The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet
by Anime Borat
Summary: Join Osaka's adventure in the subconscious as she fights for justice against the white-ribboned she-devil in different worlds across the multiverse. Well, actually getting dragged into it like a rampaging white-water rapid. Special mini-series.
1. Book 1: The Local Shop

**The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet  
**

**Book 1: The Local Shop**

A/N: This was originally the Osaka's chapter, or rather the first part of her arc, in _Nightmares of New Year_. Now this is made into a standalone fic yet again. I hope you enjoyed this very long yarn on its own. Ironically, this will enable me more freedom to both pursue this and _Nightmares_.

(_A/N: Sorry for being late for so long. I've always suffered writer's block and other problems that impede my ability to write. This is a revamp of my Osaka chapter. The original is now a standalone fic. I've decided to redo this chapter as a two-parter to encompass the qualities of Osaka's quirks. This first chap is more of a slow-burn so understandably you may have a while to read it. I promise you the second one would be faster-paced. As with my other chapters, I've use pop culture elements into the story. Also, as a warning, some of the material used are stuff slightly not to anyone's taste so try to consider it within its place in my fic, especially with the culture of outrage running rampant these days. This is the longest chapter of_ Nightmares of New Year _yet and it's only the first half_.)

Disclaimer: This is a fan work. Much of the material featured is copyrighted material that belongs to their original owners, no infringement intended and are available for fair use if not for profit motive.

_Originally posted for Nightmares at 2-14-19_.

* * *

Osaka snuggled herself to bed, wanting to wake up in the New Year. Little did she know that she was about to embark on an adventure... into the Kansai Zone.

_-Frolic by __Luciano Michelini __(Curb Your Enthusiasm main theme) plays-_

Then a gentle breeze rustled her, causing her to wake up. Blinking her wide eyes, she thought that her window was opened. She was about to jump off her bed when everything brightened up a bit. Then she felt a calm breeze in her face.

"That was sum mighty fine ay'r condition'," she breezed in her voice. Then it hit her! She looked around in concern. She was now floating among the clouds.

"Hey," she said aloud in her Kansai accent, "where am Ah!?"

"You're in Le Zone, _mon ami_," said a Frenchman bicycling passed by her - in mid-air! "Where everything is your OYSTER!" He cycled away into the distance into the blue sky yonder. "Hon hon hon." His laugh echoed.

"Really?" Her sleepy eyes wider than usual. Then a thought popped out in her head. "Wait, a'minute. How is every'thin supposed to be mah oi'ster?"

So Osaka zoned out as she began to ponder the mystery of everything being an oyster as she floated aboard her bed, which had achieved the power of flight. As she meditated in order to find her answer, she felt something wet and sticky lapping her feet up and down. She pulled up her covers to see a pink-haired girl licking cookie batter off her feet!

-_*record scratch*_-

"WAAAAAAHH!" the airhead exclaimed in panic, backing away. "A pink-hare'd grem'lin!"

"I'm no gremlin!" retorted the stowaway angrily. "I'm hungry."

Osaka and the intruder had stare-off, the former blank as a board and just as flat while the latter shot daggers with her look, the intent lost on the airhead. It went on for three minutes of awkward silence aboard the sedately-moving bed that was taking course to Ibiza.

"Hey, Chiyo-chan." Her eyes beamed in realization. "Ya dyed yer hair."

"What!?" the intruder screeched. "My name is motherfucking Natsuki!"

"Ah, no, Chiyo-chan," Osaka replied evenly. "Yea hab no need to use 'un alias. Halloween's over an' ah don' think the US goven'ment's gonna kidnap you for surgery in Area 51 in spite of what that Greek guy was sayin'. All'so, nae swearin'-"

"I'm not Chiyo-chan, dammit!" She hopped in anger, threatening bounce both of them off the bed. "I AM NATSUKI!"

_Natsuki? Wey're did ah hear'd that name befo'?_ So Osaka once again began to travel into the cosmos in her mind, searching for an answer. In her mind she was travelling through the Milky Way to a tear of pure bright light at FTL, streaking across star systems, making the civilizations worship her passing. Then she hit it, the light shone brighter and...

"AH!" She found enlightenment! "Yo're neym's Nutski! A Polish guy who likes big nuts from Sugondese!"

"WHAT!? Did you say I'm a Pole with a penis!?" screeched the outraged loli. Osaka, for her part, heard some drunk ball-shaped plumber colored like an upside down Polish flag crying in Warsaw about never into space and being compared to a homogay trap.

"Nao, nao." Osaka wagged her finger. "Let's nut jump intah conclusions, resultin' in false impres'shuns. I didden sae you wer' a Pole wit extras... That's nut right..." Somehow _nuts_ wasn't where she heard that name.

"That's it! I'm taking over the bed!" Natsuki closed the distance on Osaka.

"AAAAHHH!" she bleated. "Sorry, pink Chiyo-chan. Ah was just tryin' to get deh right answe'. Don' throw me of mah magic flyin' bed."

"Well, you answered crap!" She grabbed Osaka and was pulling her over the edge, just like a dramatic scene in a movie. "Now scoot over."

Nearly at the edge of her bed, the answer entered Osaka's head. "Ah kno' who yah are! Ye're from the Doki Doki Literature Club!"

The pinkette halted her murderous rampage and threw her back on the soft downy bed. "So, you got it right? Finally!"

"So yo're a girl?" Osaka asked, getting up.

"Yeah, I am no-" Natsuki crossed her arms haughtily like a true tsundere. "What? Are you implying I'm a trap!?" She started jumping up and down, shaking the bed.

"Whoa, whoa!" Osaka tried to keep balance, flaying her arms about but the aggressive hopping had her fall on her butt. Now she was bouncing dangerously close to the edge. "Hey! Stop!"

"Now-" A hard thud knocked her off, sending her screaming down the sky.

"Don't you dare hurt, Osaka-san!" cried mini-Chiyo with her flappy pigtails, holding a large rubber mallet which she later threw off. She looked down to see Osaka and alighted on a post in concern. "Osaka-san, are you alright?"

"Dang it, Chiyo-chan, ah just made a new friend," the airhead said sadly.

"I'm sorry for being late, Osaka-san." Mini-Chiyo kneeled and bowed low sincerely in apology. "I was worried she'd hurt you and I had stop over to get a fresh set of pigtails."

"That's okay, nao that yo're he're, let's take a ride together to..."

Mini-Chiyo hopped in excitement. "How about we pick up some fresh milk from the store?"

"That's a great idea, Chiyo-chan," she chimed. So they sat together on the bed as it set course to the grocery store. In the meantime, thanks to the slow movement of the bed, they pass the time to chat.

"This Nat'ski said som'tin' about the Doki Doki Literature Club?"

"Oh, a literature club is a kind of school club where people read books and analyze literature, and composed their own," Mini-Chiyo happily chimed. "In a country that's inundated with pictures with words, reading books without pictures is highly-appreciated. But that might offend a certain under-fed blue-haired otaku."

"Chiyo, yer sho' smart. I thought the Literature Club was like a members'-only library, with bar, stripper poles, and rave music."

"Where did you get that idea?" The mini-genius looked at her blankly.

"Tomo spoke o' clubs like that. She says she saw Yukari in one club that had men on poles."

"I see." Even that made her sweatdrop.

* * *

They've finally made it to the grocery store. "Here we are!" proclaimed Chiyo.

"Yay!" Osaka's understated bleating carried her excitement.

"Let's get us sum milk!"

-_ Yorokonderu (A__zumanga Daioh OST) plays_-

Upon entering the store they noticed it was almost empty of people. She saw Shion Sonozaki on the counter with her items consisting of rope, knives, bleach, ammonia, sulfuric acid, cyanide, and kerosene, plus some books about murder. She patiently waited for her items while Walter White and Jesse had a whole cartload of ingredients to cook up their next batch of Blue Sky meth.

"That'll be three-hundred ninety-one, ninety-five," declared Makoto Itou, gyrating his arms like crazy.

"What!?" screamed Shion. "That was _two_ hundred! TWO! I counted!"

"But that's what the price count said here," Makoto protested. Then he turned seductive. "I can arrange for a discount for a certain under-the-table arrangement." The sound of loud zipping can be heard.

Shion let out a long banshee shrieked, grabbing Makoto's head and repeatedly bashing his face against the cash register. She screamed to the top of her lungs and ran off with her merchandise. Donkey Kong, the security guard, ran out to catch the deranged_ yandere_ that may possibly ambush and gut him. A Shy Guy came up and dragged Makoto's ass from behind the counter and out came some other guy named Baldrick.

"Hello, I'm Baldrick and I like eggy and sausages with turnip. My dad makes a living shagging sheep," said the idiotic dogsbody of House Blackadder.

Jesse and Walt looked at each other in amazement. "Fuck," muttered Walt.

"Ain't nuthin' wrong in here," Osaka commented in spite of the bloody outburst. So she casually walked over to the dairy section while Wallace and Gromit where checking out the cheeses. She then noticed the milk aisle was almost empty save for one carton of milk.

"Ah'm in luck." She stared at the carton dreamily. To her it was shone with light behind, highlighting its status as her Holy Grail. There was a chorus of Hallelujah singing in the background as the carton was wreathed with flowers.

Ayumu Kasuga reached out slowly as her eyes were mesmerized by the golden light showered upon the milk carton when her hand clasped it-

Just as another hand clasp it. Osaka looked at the other claimant for the milk. It was Kirino!

"Oh, hi!" Osaka greeted cheerily. "I wus gonna get dis here last carton o' milk-"

"Move over, bitch!" Kirino screeched like a rat. Osaka flinched and backed off, letting the nasty little sister grab the milk in triumph. Now she skipped off like she was a wholesome cute little girl, which IS not.

Chiyo flew to Osaka and alighted on her shoulder. "Wow, she's rude."

"She's an ill-mannered little lass. But she sho' does like her milk. And Tomo says that she likes 'er big brother too, says he brings her big hot dogs with extra cheese and mustard, huge cream puffs with extra cream, and vanilla-custard cornets. How does she fit all of that in 'er mouth without chokin'?" Understanding innuendo is not her strong suit.

"He must be spoiling her too much. No wonder she's rotten." Her pigtails flicked in disappointment.

"And Yomi called 'er a nasty tart. Guess she don' taste no' good. Wait'a minute, did Yomi taste her?" Oh Osaka...

Just as Kirino was about to leave a circus freak entered the shop. He was completely black save for the area around his eyes and mouth, the kind of appearance to trigger lefties, while he has yellow teeth. He was dressed in a top hat and overcoat like Willy Wonka, only from London's East End.

"Hello Daaave?" He leered close to the Kirino's face.

"AAAAHHH!" She hopped back in fright. "BAKA! HENTAI!"

"I'd like to read you your future," he said leeringly with a rasp.

"Fuck no! I'll get the cops to shoot your ass!" She tried to throw a punch when a hunched-over shawl-clad figure scuttled out of nowhere and grabbed her arm. She shrieked in panic.

"W-w-who the hell are you!?" she demanded mortified.

"That's his wife," Osaka answered in a cheer.

"WHAT?" She stared at Osaka.

"Ah suh this in'a British sho'," she added airily as the wife hopped around madly, holding the palm of a recalcitrant middle-school _tsundere_.

"AAHH! Let go, freak!" She tried to pull from the surprisingly strong grip of the mad woman.

"There is now…sit down, Dave – my wife will begin the reading."

The wife spreadeagled her hand and spat into it.

"EEEWWW! SALIVA FETISHISTS!" Kirino squealed in disgust.

"That's far out disgusting," Osaka commented. "Ese that whut greasin` the palms mean?"

"It's OK, Dave. My wife will continue to read your fortune, but you must cross her palm with silver…"

"Don't just stand there!" she shrieked at Osaka. "Help me! Get my onee-chan here!"

"Eh, who?"

"ONEE-CHAN!" she snapped angrily.

"Ugh, Ah think hee's indispose'd at de moment," the airhead pointed out, pointing the alley across the road where Kyousuke was swaying back and forth, obviously happy with himself for some reason.

"WHAT!" In outrage she stared at her elder brother being...

"Ah think that's Liane Cartman kneelin' in front o' 'im with his pants down." Very helpful, Osaka.

"He's cucking me for that bitch!" Kirino was beyond shocked at her slave of an onee-chan finally seeking pleasure he was so denied. "I'll kick that _hentai baka_ in the nuts so hard that he'll be choking on them."

"Dave!" he called out. "Time for the reading." Then he started his incantation: "Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?"

"What that fuck is that shit!? Is that pig Latin!?" Then she sarcastically repeated the incantation, playing up the accent.

"It ain' no pig Latin," Osaka replied, "it's Esperanto. Sum'thin like an artificial language for world peace."

Osaka noticed Papa Lazarou's face lit up in joy as she heard Kirino's sarcastic imitation of his phrase. "Of course you can, we would love you to join us."

-_Yorokonderu ends_-

Then the wife shoved a ring into her finger, startling the _tsundere imouto_.

"Congratulations!" Osaka cheered as Kirino looked on horrified.

"Ohhhh~," he moaned lustily turning his eyes to Kirino. "You're my wife now, Daaaaveee~!" He laughed, she shrieked, what a happy couple.

-_Herr lipps love theme (__The League of Gentlemen OST) _ _plays_-

"Let me GO!" A sack was cast over her and chibis Churuya and Achakura wrestled her down, restraining her with rope and dragging her out. Muffling, struggling, and shouting insults and threats like the _tsundere_ that she was did nothing to dissuade Papa Lazarou hopping in joy over his new bride, nor the menacing chibis who clearly liked their job. She was calling for her oni-chan to save her when they tossed her into the back of a horse-drawn carriage.

-_Herr Lipp's Love theme ends_-

Papa Lazarou turned to his chibi henchmen, "I want to see everything set up when I come back! And don't hit my wife!"

"We won't!" they cried, lying through their teeth and the very visible blackjacks behind their backs.

And they hopped on and off they galloped into the distance while Kirino angrily - and desperately - screamed for her Onii-chan.

"Talk about dramatic exit," she commented. Then she thought, _Now that the store's run out of milk, where am ah gonna get it now?_ Her thoughts echoed for the audience to hear like a David Lynch film. Then piece of paper flew right into her face. "Hey, I think I might try this place."

* * *

Later she was in the hilly moors in the outskirts of the town. It was a desolate place, all cold green grass, save for the little red brick building that said, "Local Shop."

"This must beh de place," she said.

"I don't know," Mini-Chiyo said doubtfully. "Are you sure it's safe?" One of the two shop signs, bearing the word LOCAL, creaked and went askew.

"Shor'e it's safe, Chiyo-chan. Nuthin' can go raw'ng." The crows at the bare tree behind them cried, "Baka, baka, baka." So they went across the yard, stepping on the wet, mossy grass, to get to the store.

Upon entering the shop, they were astounded by shop's appearance. It was furnished like an old store from the movies, all the goods displayed delightfully, loving clutter and the dark and moody lighting made it seem... old. Osaka's wide eyes looked around in wonder as she scanned the very British shop clutter when her face came upon a chunky lady's glasses-wearing face with her weird smile.

"Gyah!" They jumped back in alarm.

"Can I help you?" said the lady pleasantly, though rather eagerly. She was hunchbacked and she looked like a granny with her coke-bottom glasses and headcover made from industrial tarp.

"Wah! Ya scared meh!" Composing herself, being what she is, she asked, "Are ya open?"

"Yes!" she squealed in delight. "Can I help you at all?"

"Well, Ah'd like ah bottle o' milk."

"Oh, how splendid!" She giddily rubbed her hands. "I'll get it right away!" She scuttled to the back of the shop, leaving Osaka alone. The airhead went back to scanning the shop.

"Hey Osaka," Mini-Chiyo said, flapping around in her pigtails like a fairy. "I think we should just ditch the milk and leave." Osaka ignored her and tapped a jar of pickles that seem slightly past its prime several times. The pickle inside burped and it was Pickle Rick.

"Excuse me, can you get me outta here?" Pickle Rick asked plainly. "I'm in a bit of a pickle." He laughed.

"Ohmahgawd!" Osaka exclaimed. Then the old lady emerged with a bottle of milk. "Here, you go." She handed it to Osaka's hand. The Kansai native noted it smelled rather sour.

"That will be four ninety-five."

Osaka dug into her pockets and found them empty. "Ah shoot. I don' hab that kinda money. Can yah take credit?"

"Credit?" The old lady sounded troubled. "Are you local?"

Osaka shook her head. "Nah, ah'm from outta town, ya see. Came heer on'a flyin' bed."

She screamed in terror. "This is a local shop for local people! There's nothing for you here!" She snatched back the milk bottle and shuffled behind the counter as if to protect herself from Osaka.

A voice called out from the back, almost singing, "Hello, hello, Tubbs/ What's going on? What's all this shouting?/ We'll have no trouble here!"

"She covets the precious things of the shop, Edward," Tubbs the old lady moaned, she began rubbing her tiddies in delight.

"Nah, I don', I jus' want'd eh bottle o' milk." Osaka said, not figuring out why she wanted one. And she noticed they both wore glasses and have a grotesque, semi-porcine appearance, like an unfortunate meeting with a pig farmer and a wild sow.

"Ah…Tea leaf, eh? You people are all alike," he said accusingly. "You march in here – young, try and…touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint? Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement…"

Tubbs looked positively excited, she noticed. "Does she have a scat fetish?"

"What?" His large eyebrows raised in outrage. "How dare you accuse us of indulging such depraved, beastly conduct, fit only for the lowly beasts of the earth!?"

"Waah! I'm sowry!" she bleated in apology.

"You will not get off this time, you rascal!" Edward exclaimed.

"Look, ah just saw yer shop on'ah map," she pointed out. She gave them the map, which Tubbs eagerly snatched at it.

"Oh my God, Edward!" she exclaimed like she had one the award for ugliest hooker in Britain, " it's got lines! Lines and lines and lines and lines and lines!"

"What is this sorcery!?" he shouted, almost frightened at the thought of stranger coming to their local shop. Tubbs took a huge bite on a large onion like it's a piece of meat, obviously enjoying herself.

"Well, it'sa map." Osaka shrugged her shoulders. "It should take ya te Swansea." Then she wondered why she said Swansea, or if there ever was a sea of swans.

"A Swansea?" Tubbs looked at Osaka quizzically in her eccentric way.

"Yup."

Then Tubbs moaned in sadness. "You lied to me, Edward! There _is_ a Swansea!"

"Nonsense!"

"And other places, too! You kept them from me!"

"Yeeesssh, I kept them from you! To keep you pure, and clean and _local_!"

"What's all this local about?" Osaka asked again. "Ah mean, why set up aroun' here yonder faraway from town? Is des ah'n invitation only-shop? Like Amazon or Ali Baba?"

Tubbs and Edward only stared at her in befuddlement. They looked at each other, then at her smiling her blank, wide-eyed smile, then each other, then at her, then each other, all the while gibbering as the logic bomb she dropped began to mess with their heads.

"Oh Edward!" cried Tubbs.

"Tubbs!" he moaned.

"Wait'a minute...?" Ayumu then had an epiphany. "Are you Edward and Bella Cullen? Is this a secret vampires' only club? OHMAGAWD! Ah just entered _Twilight_!" She screamed - well, bleated loudly - as the revelation caused her to panic, holding her head with both hands. "Ah can't beh in'a bad vampire flick!"

The door knocked loudly. All present looked at. "Who is it?" they asked in unison.

The door slammed open and in came a dapper-suited gentlemen wearing a balaclava and smoking a ciggy. It's the Red Spy from Team Fortress 2, with the smuggest, derpiest face he can muster. "Which one of you is Osaka?" he asked.

"There you are, my good man!" exclaimed Edward. "Arrest her!"

He flashed stepped behind Osaka, who almost flinched. "Follow me!" He rigged a jetpack on Osaka's back and produced his own. He started his own jetpack, which hummed loudly as the pack warmed up for ignition. And...

_**KABOOM!**_

It exploded, blowing up half the shop, and sending a screaming Spy into the sky.

"Takin' a leap of fate." Osaka gulped and switched on her jetpack and swooshed off into the air with a massive blast.

"AAAAHHHHH!" she mewed as the jetpack sent her across the sky. Back below, Pickle Rick exacted his revenge on the Tattsyrups commando-style with a plastic butter knife.

-_Don't Stop Me Now by Queen plays_-

Osaka was flying way up above the earth. She was speeding across the skies, streaking like a comet. She found herself heading directly towards a UFO and she steered hard right away from it, slamming a satellite, which promptly veered into the UFO, slamming it and destroying Earth's first contact with sentient, extraterrestrial life. Probably for the best. Osaka struggled to steer the flying jet bomb strapped to her back and swooshed through a flock of geese, roasting some fine Christmas Roast Goose with her massive exhaust.

Osaka was still figuring out how to control her jetpack when she pressed a button. It fired an array of missiles and blow up an entire Turkish fighter squadron on maneuvers.

"Shoot! That's nut what ah was goin' fer," she complained. Then she found it! - an accident. She immediately displayed a screen in front of her and it displayed Trivago app. It said voice command. "Heey, how dew ya lan' this thing?" Then the jetpack took a nosedive and sent her to a suburban two-story house. She landed in the swimming pool.

-_Don't Stop Me Now by Queen stops_-

This was followed by the screaming Spy breaking through the roof.

_To be continued..._

* * *

A/N: You've just had an introduction to Osaka's dream, featuring the British sitcom League of Gentlemen and Oreimo.

Now where did Spy take Osaka to? Find out on the next episode.


	2. Book 2: TF2FLC

**The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet  
**

**Book 2: Team Fortress 2's Flying Literature Club**

A/N: This was originally the half of Book 1's Team Fortress and the Local Shop. Enjoy Osaka's high-jinks.

* * *

Osaka was fished out by Heavy Weapons Guy and flopped like a fish on the deck before calming down. She looked up shakily. "What happen'd?"

"Congratulations, Osaka," exclaimed Tomo, skipping in from behind, hands flamboyantly on her hips. "You've been chosen for a top secret mission."

"See-cret mission...?" Her widened in wonder.

"Yeah," Tomo said, "you're now part of a special team to defeat a creature from the Black Lodge."

"That sounds straight outta a B-movie. I love those," Osaka chimed.

"Yes! It is but it's nothing like in a B-movie."

Osaka frowned. "So, we're goin' after a psycho in a monster suit?"

"No, no, no, Osaka," Yukari corrected, gliding out of the house. "You're not going after some nutjob in a suit. You're going after something far more worse."

Everyone gasped - except Osaka, of course. "Fa' mo' worse?"

"A being named Monika," announced the English teacher dramatically, complete with closeup.

Osaka sweatdropped. "So it'sa girl in a suit?"

The crickets and cicadas chirped a chorus of chirps, citing everyone else's state of mind to the airhead's rebuttal.

"Osaka, it's not a girl in a suit," Tomo said, "but she's definitely a girl. Only one of the worse things to threaten this green earth. She's an international terrorist and war criminal, a menace to society, an existential threat to the universe."

"Gosh, Tomo, that's a lotta words for just one bad girl."

"Bad is an understatement," exclaimed Red Spy, having recovered from his flight and fall, "one of the most devious, cunning women to walk this earth. Everything bad happening has her hand in it." He slammed a folder labelled TOP SECRET on the outdoor table. Out slid pictures of a beautiful girl with long brown hair tied together in a ponytail with a cute white ribbon, emerald eyes, nice bust and body with a smile to die for in a high school uniform, consisting of a blue skirt, brown blazer, quilted cardigan, white blouse with red tie, and white, blue-trimmed school slippers. And she wears black thigh-highs that emphasize her shapely legs, especially those thighs, teasing boys to look up.

"Hey, that look's like Yomi after LASIK surgery," she noted. "Or did she replace 'er glasses with green contacts?"

"Pay attention!" Yukari snapped.

With helpful commentary from Red Spy, Osaka was looking at the photos of where Monika was caught in the act of her various nefarious deeds, such as sabotaging the dikes prior to Hurrican Katrina, just after her burning of the Reichstag, attending EA Games board meetings (as if they're not shitty enough), which spelled the doom of several game franchises, being a major player in the Golden Triangle heroin trade, ordering the brutal mass killing of Chuck "E. Cheese's" Taylor's enemies in war-torn Liberia, cutely posing with the body of Jimmy Hendrix after causing his overdose, her stint as a gulag commandant in Siberia under Stalin, where inmates fight for scraps of food to get her lulz going; posing over the corpse of Bambi's mother after shooting her, taking tea with Saddam during her directorship of one of his covert chemical weapons facilities where she tested the stuff on political opponents, engineering with Goldman Sachs the 2008 Global Recession, sabotaging the nav equipment of the _Costa Concordia_, posing with the Argentine junta during the Dirty War where she's implicated in mass disappearances, posting a Tweet celebrating suicide of K-Pop group Shinee's Jonghyun after pressuring Shinee's company to push them harder via owning 50 percent of its stock, making her rich; tampering with evidence that would have put OJ Simpson in for good, starting the 1988 Yellowstone Park Fire at the behest of the logging lobby, part of the break-in at Watergate and selling out her co-conspirators, blowing up the USS_ Maine,_ orchestrating the murders of Tupac Shakur and The Notorious B.I.G., causing the Enschede fireworks disaster in Holland, the Chernobyl disaster, _Exxon Valdez_, the second shooter at the Grassy Knoll followed by tricking Jack Ruby into killing Lee Harvey Oswald, torpedoing the _Lusitania_, directing an iceberg into the _Titanic_'s path, the _Deepwater Horizon_ disaster, board member of Royal Dutch Shell, the maltreatment of Kojima Productions staff and the firing of Hideo Kojima by Konami, influencing the decisions of the late Muammar Qaddafi as political adviser which led to his downfall on Arab Spring, arms dealer to ISIS, involvement in making _Hunt Down the Freeman_, bribing Gabe Newell with a huge motherlode of snacks so he wouldn't count to three on _Half-Life_, _Left 4 Dead_, and _Portal_."

"Wow, talk aboutta evil resume." She boggled at the long list of misdeeds mentioned. "Did sheeh dig out the Grand Canyon too?"

"That's not even the worse of her deeds," Spy said gravely. "Look at this picture." Spy handed her a photo, trembling as though it was terrible.

Curious, Osaka gently took it from his quaking hands and looked-

-_Sayo-nara (Doki Doki Literature Club soundtrack) plays_-

Osaka was petrified. What she saw was a short-haired pink/brunette girl hanging in her bedroom! Even Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga is afraid!

"GAAAAH!" Her mouth fell open in horror was she went pale. And everyone shared her terror.

And her memory itched. "Tomo tricked me into playin' this game."

"Hey, don't blame me," Tomo snapped, "here I'm just a manifestation of your concept of Tomo in this dream world."

"Oh. But it still is mighty mean," Osaka mewed in protest, struggling with flashbacks of the human piñata that was Sayori.

"Well, I did it for lulz," the wildcat - well, the metaphorical one - scoffed.

"Whiye'd ya du it?"

"I'm Tomo, duh. I do all sorts of crazy stuff."

"Oh." Osaka blinked her eyes in the profound fact. "Didn' Yomi bonk'd ya in the head fer getting me to play Doki Doki, sayin' it might scare me?"

"Yeah, she did and it hurts," she grumbled. "On the matter, you didn't freak out like she'd expect. How are you not scarred?"

"Well, ah watch'd eh movie about that call'd _Nurm'berg_. It had Alec Baldwin innit and Nazis that wer' turn'd ta piñatas."

Tomo raised an eyebrow. "So you watched a movie about high-ranking Nazis put on trial for war crimes? Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Heh." Osaka smiled. "Sum'times I just happen watch sum'tin on Tee-Vee."

-_Sayo-nara stops_-

"One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that smile..." Spy proclaimed, looking disturbed. "... What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?"

"She is evil nasty witch who casts spell on people," said Red Heavy in a low voice, as though fearful of Monika listening on them.

"How much trouble can she be?" Osaka asked.

Then Red Medic emerged, with lots of German snacks. "Fraulein, Osaka, please check your pocket."

-_The Shadow of the Past (LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring OST) plays_-

Osaka dug into her pocket and found an enveloped. "Ah didn' know ah had this."

"Open it," he urged. When she did, the entire room had gasped in total dread.

"Osaka! Throw it!" demanded the Spy.

"A'right," Osaka chimed happily and threw it as hard as she could.

She smacked Scout right in the face! He got knocked backed on his ass screaming. "Nice shot!" congratulated Spy.

Soldier barked! "Pyro! Flame it!"

With muffling happiness, Pyro fired his flamethrower, lashing out a tongue of flame, engulfing the pen still tumbling in mid-air. The flame blast also blew a new one up in the ceiling.

In spite of being subjected to more than 5000 degrees Fahrenheit of liquid fire, the pen was still intact, still tumbling before dropping to the ground. Osaka, curious, came over for a look.

"Vhat can du see?" asked Medic anxiously.

"It says here, 'made in China,'" she replied. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "'Ey wait," she mewed, "it's got glowing markins', like strings o' numbers an' letters. Some'wun's bangin' their head on de keyboard." The gasps of horror returned.

"It iz zindeed nonsensical und looks like it vas typed vy Angry German Kid's forehead but it's actually a language. Ze language is zat of Base64, vhich I will not utter here, und can't be uttered in any case unless du sound like AGK on crack. In _Inselaffe_ screeching, uh, I mean, English tongue it says...

_"One Pen to write them all, One Pen to find them,_  
_One Pen to bring them all and in the darkness bind them..."_

They all gasped and squealed in horror. "The pen! The pen! The pen!"

"_Did someone say _pen_...!?_" an excited voice called out from a door. More on that later.

"Ah musta heard it somewhere before..."

-_The Shadow of the Past stops_-

So they all munched on Medic's snacks while surrounding the Pen.

"Zis _is_ ze One Pen," confirmed Medic, trembling, "made by Faber-Castell in Costa Rica, taken by Yuri from ze hand of Monika herself."

Then a lightbulb clicked in her head. "Hey, she had'a pen in sum o' those pictures."

_"Oui,"_ added Spy. "For two years le Pen gave Monika unparalleled power beyond time and space, reaching out into history, into universes and changing them entirely. I thought it was deleted with her. But no longer, Osaka. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Pen has awoken. It has heard its mistress's call."

"But isn't she inna recycling bin? Mah cousin said sum'thing about throwin' her there."

Then the Pen whispered ominously in a sweet voice, "_Just Monika~._"

"Pipe down!" snapped Medic before continuing on, "No, Osaka. The spirit of Monika endured. Her life force iz bound to ze Pen, und ze Pen survived. Monika has returned. Her forces hab multiplied, her fortress of Barad-dur is rebuilt in ze land of Mordor. She needs only _zhis pen_ to cover all ze worlds in a second darkness. She is seeking it... seeking it... all her thought is bent upon it. And ze Pen, it yearns above all else to return to ze hand of its master. Zey are one... ze Pen and Monika. Osaka... she must never find it."

Osaka's wide doe-eyes meet with Spy's, acknowledging the terror. "Why male models?"

-_The Shadow of the Past plays_-

"Have you heard what- Uh! Never mind!" Spy shook his head at Osaka's inanity. "Osaka, atrocity after atrocity Monika has committed on different universes. She began with her friends in the Doki Doki Literature Club. There were two survivors. And one of them is here." Then in walked a short pinkette.

*_record scratch_*

"Hey guys. I was just about to-" She stopped when she saw Osaka. "WHO INVITED HER HERE!?"

"Hiya, Natsuki." Osaka waved her noodly arm. "Ah didn't expect to see yah here."

"So, yah know her?" Scout asked.

"Yeah. Weh shared a bed together flyin'." Everyone got hot under the collar, except Natsuki, already hot in rage.

"A_hahahaha~_," laughed the Pen nervously.

"Man, I didn't know you're into that," Tomo exclaimed.

"An' she lick'd mah feet." That came out wrong.

"We didn't share a bed! I thought your foot was ice cream," snapped Natsuki.

"Oh, so that's why ye lick'd meh," Osaka said, astounded. "Hey, since that's the only fun'neh business you've done to meh back in bed, does that mean yeh're a girl?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Natsuki screeched. "I'm a girl!"

Osaka thrusted her face at Natsuki, who flinched as the space cadet took a look-see. "It's aw'right. Ah believe yah."

"I see you're already met. Natsuki here was one of Monika's first victims."

Osaka felt sad and concerned. "What did she' do to yah, Natsuki?"

Then Natsuki made a cute anime head-tilt - in a snap!

"Ah Mai!" Osaka jumped back at seeing Natsuki's head list 90 degrees portside. "Some'won did'a numbah on yer neck."

"That would be Monika!" snapped the pink tsundere.

-_Jeopardy theme song plays_-

Then Osaka started analyzing Natsuki's statement. How did Monika break her neck? And why was she thinking about Yomi doing that to Tomo? What was the right cheese for grilled cheese sandwich? Emmentahl or Cheddar? Chiyo's pigtails can help her fly but Natsuki's seemed invisible. What sort of New Year's gift she should give to Chiyo? What did Tomo mean by Yukari getting wasted on New Year? Why was Sakaki the height of the Empire State Building? Who was the winner of Tour de France 1940? Kawanishi-Noseguchi, Kinunobebashi, Takiyama, Uguisunomori, Tsuzumigataki, Tada, Hirano, Ichinotorii, Uneno, Yamashita, Sasabe, Kofudai, Tokiwadai, Myokenguchi. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Yomi likes spicy foods-

The spice must flow!

-_Jeopardy theme stops_-

Osaka knew what to ask her! "Are yah Kimura's daughter?"

Natsuki blinked her eyes twice. "What?"

"Yer ay-ble ta twist yer neck like that girl in _Exorcist_," she explained. "Mistah Kimura had that ability tuh. And he likes high school girls."

A firetruck's siren wailed as everyone looked at Osaka in response to her nugget of wisdom.

"He what...?" Natsuki asked, puzzled.

"He likes high school girls, that's the reason he wants ta beh a teacher," Osaka explained. "Man, ah dun know if it'sa good theng or bad theng."

"He's a pedophile," Spy explained.

"Ah what!?" Natsuki clearly was not impressed with the idea of a pedo teacher for a dad.

"Yah sort'a get use'd to it," she explained, "ah mean, it's Japan, people sort'a file less sex-you-wall harassment lao'suits than in America. Also, he dozen seem to mind meh at all, always going fer Kaorin, and sometimes Yomi or Sakaki. He must'ah like milk too."

"I vink you must save that for a lawyer, Osaka," Medic stepped on, to keep the plot relevant. "She vas vun off heer first victims. Heer flexy neck vas just one of ze first of heer many atrocities. She's lucky she's not todt. I wouldn't say ze same for heer dear freund."

"Es she dead?" Osaka asked. "How es she a survivuh if she's dead?"

"No, Osaka, she's not," replied Medic.

"Phew!" breathed Osaka in relief. "Ah though ah was gonna predict a character death."

"She wished she vas," Medic added.

"Aw, shucks, wussit really thah't baad?"

"How bad?" Medic's eyes grew to very bulbous onions. "Monika vas able to hack into ze source code of reality vei sodomizing a Google server vith ach proverbïal jackhammar. With zat ze universe is heer sandbox, she can shape it to anyvay she vished like a teenager vith access to Gmod, making machinima from Nintendo und Valve characters; she can create an abridged series out of dur life, subjecting du and everything around du to painful and humiliating circumstances; turn your day into a parade of hideous, twisted perversions of your understanding of physics. There is no logic, no_ ordnung_. Ordnung muss sen!"

"If Monika's all powerful, why ah're we plottin' against her? Is she like deh Architect feller from _The Matrix_?"

"The current order we have only exists at Monika's pleasure. She can bend it and twist in anyway she likes!" Medic looked wild-eyed. "And she sodomizes minds like how she sodomizes reality." He whispered into her ear, "Brutally - rapidly - and without lubicrant.

He wailed into zeh heavens, "Ve can't take it anymore!"

"Can yeh jus' talk to her?" Osaka suggested. "Say that universal domination is baahd, 'kay?"

"I'll bugger myself with a fish fork than talk to her again!" snapped Natsuki, headed tilted to 90 degrees again.

"Do you want to see ze her freund?" Medic suggested.

"Oh shoot, ah almost forgot about that. Walls can't file lawsuits."

* * *

They were the basement where someone inquiring about the pen has originated. "So wut ah're we doin' here?" she asked. "Is this a dungeon or sum'thin?"

"Why yes, this was originally used to hold Spy Crabs for Medic's experiments," explained Tomo. "Now they're all dead, it holds something even better."

An alarmed whirred loudly and a police light began spinning a red light show. The curtain before them lifted. They parted to reveal a cell and in it was a beautiful purple-haired girl bundled up in a straight jacket.

"I feel pretty," she sang in delightful whimsy, "oh so pretty/I feel pretty and witty and bright~!"

"Hey," she bleated. "What's Miss Sakaki doin' in a straight jacket." Did sheh go crazy and made uh convoluted plan to take over the world? Maybe meet space aliens?"

"She's not Miss Sakaki," Mini-Chiyo pointed out, hovering beside Osaka's head.

"Hell it ain't," Natsuki snapped. "Her name is Yuri."

"Wait, Sakaki's first name is Yuri?"

Natsuki facepalmed. "No, she is not Sakaki? Her name is Yuri!"

"She likes yuri? Man, ah always knew she had a lesbian vibe"

"Grrrr!" Natsuki gritted her teeth. Osaka was such a crowd-pleaser.

"Erev tov!" piped Yuri, now staring at her onlookers with her award-winning (bone chilling) smile through the stringy locks of hair.

"Ye're right, Natsuki." She stood corrected after giving a quick look over. "She ain't Sakaki, her hair es purple an' she short like Tomo."

"Hey!" Tomo looked offended.

"But hau does she manage it with her bust? Won't she get back pain?" Osaka wondered how do bustier girls endure the onslaught to their backs. "Sakaki's tall so shee can take it betteh but them short girls seem ta slow down a lot."

Yuri giggled madly. "Why do I have so many visitors this fine day?" she asked in a mad, flighty voice.

"Yuri...," Natsuki moaned in despair.

"Are yah eh lesbian?" Osaka asked and everyone had their heads rebooted.

"What...!?" Yuri snapped. "I LIKE PENS!"

"Why'd you like pens so much?"

"Pens!" Yuri cried manically. "They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!"

"Is that why you stole Monika's pen?"

Yuri's face broke into a grimace, complete with the sound of shattered glass. "Have you ever considered killing yourself?" she growled. "It would be beneficial to your health."

"Hey, that wus mighty mean. You can' just tell'uh person to kill himself." Osaka was not receptive of Yuri's _cutting_ words.

"I don't want to stay here anymore," she went on, more deranged than usual, "I just want to pull your skin open and crawl inside of you! That way I can be free and have some nice tea."

"That's gross." Osaka looks like she's gonna be sick, so was everyone else.

"All I ever wanted was to love someone, without Monika looking over my shoulders." Then she stared into the ceiling. "I just want to be with my pens."

"Shee seem to loike pens, huh?" Osaka sympathized.

"She was the first to fall to ze power of ze Pen."

"It's her precious, kind'uh like Gollum?"

"She wants to do... things with it," whispered Spy, who looked like he had missed his chance to see it.

"I even touch myself with the pen I stole from you!" Yuri screamed up the sky.

"Mah mom said that touchin' yourself es baad. That's what bois usually do." _Man, maybe Kimura ain't gettin' any frum his waif_.

"And oh, before you leave I need you get a letter to Monika~."

"Ah, okay." Osaka accepted it without a second thought.

"I've endowed this poem with my scent." Her grinned went wide and her eyes were terrifying. "Aren't I the most thoughtful person in the world?" Spy gave the airhead Yuri's letter, covered in a resealable plastic wrap.

"Did yah take this our of de evidence room?" Her wide eyes examined.

"Eh, no. It just has her scent," he replied. Then his pupils dilated. "You don't want to know how."

"Well then... Sorta smells funny." So she read through the plastic bag.

_Through the darkness of future's past_  
_The magician longs to see_  
_One chants out between two worlds... _  
_'Fire... walk with me.'_

"That's a letter?" Tomo said. "Laaaame!"

"Zat ist something Yuri has been scribbling repeatedly since she got her until ve put on her on a straitjacket after stabbing Scout with a mango she sharpened for breakfast." Medic looked at this poem. "Ve don't know what it means..."

"Lemme take a look." She took the poem. "Sumthin smells funny..." She read it several times. "Ah! Ah fink ah got it!"

"What!?" the entire room exclaimed.

"Think what Ah got here is part of how Monika was going dimension-hopping," she explained. "One of them code things."

"_Mein Gott_, that make sense." Medic was astounded. "Perhaps with it we can finally have a way to-"

"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" blared automated alarm system in its electronic voice. "A bombing raid is in progress! Target: Mushroom Kingdom!"

"Scheisse!"

"Merde!"

"Oh no!" Chiyo exclaimed.

"What's goin' on nao?" Osaka was distracted by all the pretty red lights flashing away.

"Monika has made her move, come on," Tomo exclaimed. They all ran pass her, prompting Osaka to catch up. "Hey, wait fer meh!"

That left Yuri alone - forever alone - in the basement. "No one wants to play with me?" She was sad now. "No one left me pen for my special needs." Then decided the bars of her cell will just have to do.

Topside, everyone scrambled to the Team Fortress Cave. "Osaka, we need you for this is our one and only chance to take the fight to Monika once and for all."

"Why me?" Osaka wailed.

"You're the only one who can face her, Osaka," Mini-Chiyo said. "That's why they need you."

"Why es it all'ways when a there's a Sirius cry-sis that all characters turn to the do hero?" Osaka noted. "They never try to figure out themselves."

"'Cause the story would suck without one," proclaimed Kagura in old-fashion flight gear.

She waved her noodly arm in greeting. "Oh, hiya, Kagura. Are yah doin' an Ay-melia Ear-heart cosplay?"

"Shit just got real, Osaka, so suit up and nut up."

"Hey, that's offensive to Natsuki," Osaka scolded.

"What!?" Natsuki snapped.

"But ye want meh to fly?" the airhead asked. Kagura pointed to a Spitfire MkIII park beside her. "Man, this day's got all nine kinds of crazy."

"Hey you don't worry your pretty lil' head there, Osaka," proclaimed Engineer. "I just got the thing to help you."

"Really?" Osaka looked at him with eager eyes wide as lenses.

"Got all right here." He extended a close hand. Then opened to see a miniature version of himself dancing a hoedown. "Tiny Desk Engineer!"

"Yeeeeh!" cried Tiny Desk Engineer as continued his square dance.

"Oh, swell, will he helped my fly?"

"No, he's pretty much useless," answered Engie happily.

* * *

So the three Bonkuras flew in their Spitfires into the blue yonder. "I didn't know Ah can fly a plane," Osaka mewed in amazement as she was in the controls of one of the greatest fighter aircraft of the Second World War with Tiny dancing on top of the dashboard.

"Keep it together, Osaka," Tomo squawked into her radio.

"Gyah!" she nearly jumped from her seat, and almost dove out of formation. She tugged the headphones of her helmet. "Shoot, ah thought ah had a lil Tomo in mah head."

"We've got to haul ass," Tomo went on, "we're supposed to intercept a formation of bombers sent in by Monika loyalists to obliterate the Mushroom Kingdom."

"Hey, Tomo, ah thought you said ye hated _War Thunder_ matches. Ya say they're biased or sum'thin."

Kagura squawked on the radio, "Hey, Tomo, Osaka, eh- I mean, check fuel, Bonkers 1 and 2."

Osaka checked her fuel gauge. "Seventy gal'lons."

On the radio she heard Tomo. "Sixty-eight gallons, Kagura."

"That's Bonkers Leader to you, Bonkers 2!" Kagura snapped.

"Who made you leader?" Tomo questioned.

"I'm the sane one," Kagura retorted.

"Just cause you're a better War Thunder player than me," Tomo pouted. "And why am I -2? I should be No. 1!"

"Hey y'all, how du ye convert American measurements to European?" Osaka asked. "Ya know, frum gallons ta liters-"

"Quite messing around!" Kagura snapped. "Stay down at five hundred feet to leave fuel for forty minute flying time over Mushroom Kingdom borders."

"Can't they jus' call in Mario n' Luigi to take care of 'em?" Osaka questioned the logic of defending Candy Kingdom when it's got its own heroes. "Maybe Princess Peach has flyin' machines."

"Keep an eye on that gauge, even when it gets lively," Kagura ordered at once. "Save enough to get back."

"Why can't I be the leader?" Tomo retorted. "I'm the one who founded the Bonkers..."

So zoom off our trio of high-flying heroes and soon enough they came upon a formation of Heinkels preparing to bomb the Mushroom Kingdom. It was an uneventful flight, except for Osaka, who was enjoying the Tiny Desk Engineer on her dashboard.

"Man, it's great ah brought along this here Tiny Desk Engineer with me."

"I agree." Mini-Chiyo flapped her pigtails in agreement.

"Yeee!"

"Hey, look, I've got bombers at twelve o'clock," called out Kagura.

Osaka looked at her watch. "9:45, Kagura,"

"No! 12 o' clock, they're in front of you! Attack!" Tomo and Kagura broke off to engage the enemy.

"'Ey, don' leave me!" Osaka peeled off to join the dogfight in her slow, understated manner.

And all three fell upon the Heinkel formation.

"Okay, boys!" asked Saddam Hussein, the South Park one. "Ready to spam the space bar?"

They all hollered in delight at the thought of blowing up the Mushroom Kingdom to bits. "Well, Spleendid," he squealed. "That bitch Peach will send me nudes after I flatten her castle."

-_Advance Australia (War Thunder OST) plays_-

Osaka heard it all on the radio. "Hey, ya know it's rude to ask'a girl to send her naked pictures to you."

"What!?" asked a startled Saddam. "Who is thiis?"

"Ah'm Ayumu Kasuga and I'm tellin' yah it's not nice to blow up houses!"

"Shut up, Osaka!" Bonkers 2 and Leader snapped back.

"Great going, Osaka they're breaking up. We were in a perfect ambush position," added Kagura. "Start the attack!"

"Quick, boys! Scatter!" Saddam ordered and the Heinkel formation broke up in panic as Bonkers Flight gave chase.

"Free kills!" cried Kagura.

"Tally-ho!" joined in Tomo.

"Hey, wait for me!" Osaka protested, swerving to her right, making her Spit dab in the sky.

It's as well as you'd expect in _War Thunder_ match which as bombers vs. fighters, with Bonkers in Spitfires and the Monikan Air Force Heinkel 111s. High-flying deeds of derring-do ensued as the Spitfires began shooting the crap out of the Moni-waifu bomber force. Tomo made a strafing pass that killed off a Heinkel's left engine.

_Plane burnt down_  
_Player credited for kill = TomoRocks_

Not one to be outdone, Kagura made a risky head-on attack guns blazing, turning around as her kill plummeted to the ground.

_Pilot Knocked Out_  
_Player credited for kill = KaguraL33tSwimmer_

To see the two knocking down bombers like pros was a truly cinematic experience, giving thrills and chills for anyone with a high-octane addiction for aircraft and dogfights.

"Get pilot sniped!" Tomo cried out, as she shot away the Heinkel's nose.

"Nein!" was the pilot's last words and the plane lurched below.

"How yah snipe a pilot?" Osaka asked.

Let's see how Osaka's doing...

\- _*record scratch*, Meatball Parade by Kevin Macleod plays_-

"C'mon, hold still," Osaka complained as she struggled to shoot down the Heinkel she's chasing. Watching Kagura and Tomo turkey-shoot in highly-balletic style made her realize she can't compete thus she decided to take it easy so she went for the nearest bomber she can find and lined up behind it for a good shot. Problem was that said Monikan Heinkel was not going to let the airhead have it and thus fired at it as it tried to get away.

"Gyah!" Osaka was startled by the tiny bullets pinging on her Spit. "Ah shoot! At this rate ah ain't gettin' no kills."

"Come on, Osaka, get it together," Mini-Chiyo encouraged.

"Yeeee!" hollered the Tiny Desk Engineer as danced its hoedown.

The Heinkel let loose a stream of tracers at her, which Osaka dodged way out of the way, and being the spaz she was in high-octane military games, nearly lost control of her plane.

"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" Osaka struggled to maintain control as the world literally tumbled around her. Mini-Chiyo looked like she was gonna throw up as she grabbed hold to Osaka's shoulder. Tiny Desk Engineer simply hoedowned, screaming, "Yeeeeh!"

Osaka righted herself back up. "Oh ma'an, ah don' feel so gud..." Before she could throw up, she was barreling straight at a Heinkel and only pulled up at the last second, barely escaping with her life.

"How dus any'wun live through this? Dem pilots musta have a poor sense of self-preservay-shion." Her Spit was pinged by MG fire from a Heinkel, causing her to flinch. She can hear the Heinkel crew laugh at her over the radio.

Osaka puffed cutely. "Ah had e-nuff!" So she gave a chase on the Heinkel, the laughter spurred her own as she lined up her sights and fired.

_BRRRRRRRRRTTTT!_

She missed by a longshot, which frightened the Heinkel off its ass and tried to shot back. Osaka tried again, her aim messed up from dodging her prey's gunfire and its constant swaying, not to mention her handling of the plane like spaz. Of course she doesn't know anything about how to shoot your gun in a dogfight, which was why her tracers kept streaming wide or falling short of hitting it.

"Osaka, stop keep wasting your ammo!" Kagura squawked on the radio.

"Cannae getta shot at de plane," Osaka griped, "sight ain't workin' good."

"Have you tried firing ahead?" the tomboy suggested before breaking off.

"Ah didn' thought o' that. Ah'll give it a try." So Osaka leveled out and followed her Heinkel, which was doing a few maneuvers, hoping her spastic gunnery doesn't scratch his paintjob lovingly featuring the goddess he swore allegiance to.

_BBRRRRRT! BRRRRRRT!_

The Heinkel's left engine exploded.

"No fair!" screamed the pilot. "I lost my ten K!"

"A'right!" Osaka cheered for herself.

"That's just one plane!" Kagura pointed out, already racking ten kills. "Step up your game." She peeled off with the roar of her Rolls-Royce Merlin engine.

"Hey, wait!" She tried to catch up, almost running into a bomber, which promptly veered right into another one. "Does that count as a double-kill?" she muttered as she watch the fireball. A piece of Monika noseart tumbled by, along with a pilot helm.

The rest of the match as good as you'd expect, with Kagura and Tomo competing and Osaka being barely keeping up. Of course, in the midst of Osaka's attempts to score as an ace, her wingmen took full advantage of her ineptitude, using her a distraction or ghillie to gain more kills.

"Closuh, closuh..." Osaka chanted as she steadied for a shot on the Heinkel. It blow up!

"Thanks, Osaka!" Kagura radioed.

"Oh shoot," she dismayed and went for another one, which broke off at her pursuit. Its wing exploded and Tomo's Spit ahead flew past above her.

"Keep 'em coming, Osaka!" Tomo squawked.

"No fair!" she complained. "How am Ah gonna shoot sum planes if yeh keep stealin' mai kills?"

"_War Thunder_ ain't fair," the wildcat squawked, "get used to it."

"Man, dis is ol' biased 'gainst meh." Osaka voiced the complaint of millions of _War Thunder_ players when things don't go their way.

"I'll say," said a random_ War Thunder_ player flying for the Monikan Airforce. "Just grind XP." His Heinkel was trailing smoke and flame. Then it burst into pyrotechnical glory.

After watching the plane explode quizzically, she got back to the matter at hand. "Okay, ah'll just get it together." So get it together she did - and had not made any kills.

-_Meatball Parade ends_-

"Oh, no' fair," Osaka mewed in disappointment. "Ah only got three kills."

"Sucks to be you, Osaka," Tomo said boisterously. "You got nothing on me, Tomo "Spitfire" Takino, ace pilot adventurer. Scourge of the Luftwaffe."

"Can it, Tomo," Kagura retorted. "The only reason there's three of us is that you shot down the rest of our fighter wing."

"Hey, it's not my fault I get hyped for battle," she grumped haughtily.

"It's a wonder why we even won this fight at all," the tomboy blurted. "Did you really have to shoot everyone down?"

"Hey, guys," Osaka chimed in.

"What!?" they cried in unison, nearly startling Osaka.

"Ah think ah see Mario and Luigi by my left," she exclaimed excitedly.

"That's our counterattack... ish..."

True to form, the two Nintendo heroes appeared in a Fairey Swordfish torpedo bomber.

"Mario," whined Luigi in the observer seat. "This is a crazy idea! You don't know how to fly."

"Notta worry~!" chimed Mario on the cockpit. "I watch'a ah-_Top Gun_-uh and-uh played-duh _Ace Combat_ and-uh _IL-2 Sturmovik_."

"You call that crap training?"retorted Toad, flying a Sopwith Camel. "I played _World of Warplanes_!"

"Hahaha~, Toad," mocked Mario. "You are'a a'so-funny. Everyone knows that-a World-ah-Warplanes suck'a so-much."

"Says the fat Italian that masturbates to spaghetti and meatballs," snapped back Toad.

"HOW-AH YOU-A A-DARE A-DISS MY-AH SPAGHETTI?" the famous - in this case, retarded - Italian plumber growled.

"Lololol," guffawed Bob the Garo, flying a cropduster. "Mario likes balls in his spaghetti. What a fag!"

"Da only'a thing-a you puff is your mama's sister," an angry Mario blurted.

"WHAT!?" That was a little too close to home for Bob. "I'll kill your ass with friendly fire!"

"C'mon, guys," said Shroomie. "We barely fought off that bombin' raid. My hometown wasn't so lucky." Set in his seemingly, unchanging face are eyes that seen some horrible shit, like Saddam's buttery napalm bomb that fricasseed the mushrooms of said town. You can smell the truffles, champignon, shiitake, shimeji, bacon, white wine, pepper and agony from a thousand miles away.

"Whoa! Smells nice," Osaka commented, "kinda French." Shroomie on his Gloster Gladiator next to her Spit looked like he was ready to break down smiling.

-_Supermarine (Dunkirk OST) plays_-

The intense Hans Zimmer track began, signalling an ominous change of atmosphere.

"Bonkers Leader to Bonkers Flight," the tomboy squawked, "the music has changed, watch out for bandits."

"Air bandits?" Osaka checked her wrist for a nonexistent watch. "Ah got no Rolex!" She tuned into to Kagura's channel, causing feedback which caused her to the loop-the-loop.

"What the hell, Osaka!? You hurt my ears!"

"Ah'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "It's jus'-"

Then the Me-109s came, coming out of the sun.

"Break!" At Kagura's command, both planes split off. Only Osaka remained at level flight.

"Ah nao, not'again." Osaka swerved like she was rounding a curb.

Swiftly, the Messerschmitts swiftly struck the flotilla. The Mario Bros went down first.

"Oh no!" Luigi cried as their plane blew apart.

"Mama F*çķ#r!" Mario fell out of his cockpit. There goes their only torpedo bomber.

"Holy shit! Holy shit! I got Luftwaffles on my ass!" exclaimed Bob as Me-109s came for dat booty. Then the tracers light up. "Please! No! I'm too young to die! Take Shroomy's ass instead."

"I'm coming for ya!" Osaka turned her Spit and fired on his pursuers. "That'll teach yah!" She blew Bob's fuselage apart.

"You little team-killer!" Bob snapped as he tumbled out of control. "You shot me, you autistic noob. Go play Fortnutz-" _KABOOM! _"OW! My Ovaries!"

"Ah mai! Ah jus' kill'd eh teammate!" she wailed. "Ah'm sowrry." And the chaos continued.

"They're killing our strike team!" Kagura exclaimed as Monikan Messerschmitts were ripping their force apart. Toad burst into flames from 20 mil fire while Shroomy shot himself due to PTSD.

"Ha, they suck anyway." Tomo was laidback as ever.

"Hey, Bonkers Leader, Ah can seeh a pretty red plane from oop there." Osaka pointed excitedly at the aircraft in question.

"Schnell! Da unten! Ha ha ha!" A sinister and very bad German accent spoke out of the pretty red plane.

Kagura's eyes bugged out in shock. "Oh crap! That's the ace. We're in the fight of our lives right now!"

"Does that mean he's great at poker?" Osaka asked. "I got an idea!"

"What!" exclaimed the other two Bonkers over the 'net.

"What?" Mini-Chiyo was surprised.

"Yeeeeh!" cried Tiny Desk Engineer in excitement.

"Hey y'all." Osaka put out an all-band broadcast. "How 'bout weh settle this battle in a card game? Why shoot each other when we can jus play poker? Why don't we set the pot on two dozen apple pies-!" The pretty red plane vroomed beside her and came up behind, firing its pinprick machineguns.

"Ah no! Ah'm being shot at! This is like_ Star Wars_ Death Star run."

"Evasive maneuvers, Osaka," Kagura ordered. "Take a dive! Do a barrel roll!" But before Osaka can ask further questions, the red Me-109 quickly broke from Osaka and turned to the tomboy. "Oh crap!" She swerved tightly to avoid 20 mil, fire, hitting Tomo instead, who was chasing another Me's tail.

BOOM!

"Aw, come on!" Tomo's MLG killstreak was cut short before it even started. "German bias!" She had to bale out.

"It's only us now, Osaka!" The red plane turned beside Kagura and head straight for the airhead. "Osaka, behind you! BEE-HIND!"

-_Spider-Man 2 Pizza Delivery Theme plays_-

Osaka was still trying to figure out her basic evasive maneuvers, and has trouble doing so. It didn't help that her Spitfire has now more bullet holes than a sieve and was handling like a war criminal with Parkinson's disease.

"Aw, man! This plane sure is stiff." Then she turned to TDE on the dashboard. "Hey there, Tiny Engineer Guy, can ya help meh out?"

"Yeeh!" TDE just kept on dancing.

"By golly, yew are useless," Osaka remarked in exasperation.

"They did warn you," Mini-Chiyo pointed.

An explosion rocked the Spitfire. "Chiyo! What was that!?"

"You a got a hole on your left wing!" Kagura exclaimed. Osaka turned left and noticed the hole the size of a basketball on her wing.

"Ah shoot! Some'won threw a kitchen sink at us." Then her left dipped slightly. "Whoa there! I may need to patch it up with some Flex tape. There's nothing a lil' Flex tape can handle-"

PING! PING, PING,PIP-PIP-PING!PING!

-_Battle of Britain OST - Battle in the Air plays_-

"Ah no! Someone's shooting at us!" Osaka was now panicking. "Time for meh to engage many thrusters!" Osaka, it's a prop plane, not a space ship. Osaka dipped suddenly to her right to try to getaway from the pretty red plane. But she almost control once again.

"Ah no! Not again!" Osaka was now spinning all over the place once again while struggling with the stiffened controls with her noodle-y arms. In fact it made her so dizzy that she was gonna throw up. She opened her canopy and barfed into the heavens. Somehow, it blinded her pursuer.

"SCHEISSE!" cried the ace in the red place as he lost sight from the pizza, octopus balls, tonkatsu ramen all over the canopy.

Osaka, still trying to recover from her barthing, accidentally pressed the trigger. She let loose a long burst of .303 ammo into the Me-109, causing it to explode. You can hear the desperate _nein!_ amidst the thunder of the fireball.

-_Battle of Britain OST - End Title plays_-

She saw what she did and was proud. "Yay! Ah did it! Nao ah got four kills-" The planes debris slammed into her Spit, including the wings, which sliced off both her wings. Her plane remained in mid-air for a while.

-_record scratch_-

"Ah, fiddlesticks." Osaka pouted at this turn of events.

And her Spit broke apart in a million pieces, leaving her in her seat and still holding the control yoke. Then she dropped like a rock.

"Ah no! Ah'm fallin'!" Osaka was panicking, clinging to her seat. Mini-Chiyo darted for her seat-belt and unbuckled it, letting Osaka loose.

"Pull the ripcord, Osaka!" she urged. Osaka did and she was lifted briefly up in the air before she floated down.

"Hey, thanks, Mini-Chiyo, what would ah dew without yah?" she thanked as she floated downward. Then Tiny Desk Engineer floated beside them in his own parachute, much to their surprise.

"Yeeeeehh!"

_To be continued..._

* * *

A/N: Here is the full introduction of _Doki Doki Literature Club_; _Team Fortress 2_; and_ Lord of the Rings_. The flight combat sequence was largely inspired by _War Thunder_, _Dunkirk_, the _Battle of Britain_, with a sprinkling of Youtuber SMG4's body of work.

So what's next? How will Osaka save the day? How will she defeat the evil Monika and her grip in the multiverse? Will she stop her in time? Would this even be called a nightmare? Find out on the thrilling conclusion of Osaka's surreal heroic journey!


	3. Book 3: Super Osaka's Galaxy Effect

**The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet**

**Book 3: Super Osaka's Galaxy Effect**

A/N: Used to be one chapter with the second half of it beginning in a desert.

(_A/N: Sorry, guys. I couldn't conclude it in two parts as I hoped. I just had so many ideas to use, so much material to work with that I escalated the chapters. Thus this the second chapter of Osaka's dream arc and slightly shorter. Third will be the conclusion and the shortest, I promise. The first act is largely inspired from S_uper Mario Galaxy_ while the intro and second act takes much influence from the cult hit from 1984, _Dune_, directed by David Lynch. I did not play_ Mass Effect_._

_Read and give yourself a laugh._)

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan work. All media featured here belongs to their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended. Any real person featured are fictionalized for the purpose of this work.

_Originally posted at Nightmares, 6-7-19_.

* * *

_Dune (1984) OST by Toto - Main Title- plays_

The blackness lit up slowly as Nyamo Kurosawa's face appeared to us in the backdrop of space. "A beginning is a very delicate time. Know then that the year is 2XXX as Monika made her conquest of the fictional multiverse," narrated the PE teacher. "'Verse after 'verse have fallen to the one of the white ribbon. What fuels her conquest are her hacking skills from her pen and what fuels her abilities is the spice - which gives her the ability to fold dimensions, travelling through them without moving and-"

"Hiya, Miss Kurosaw-wuh," greeted Osaka as she floated down on her parachute.

"Osaka?" she gasped.

"Yup, just lil' ol' me." Osaka looked around. "Am ah in space?"

Kurosawa paused in surprise. "Uh, not exactly," she finally replied. "You're in a movie intro."

"Oh real-ly?" She faced us and waved her noodly arm in greeting. "Hello, y'all. Sorry if ah butted in like this."

"How did you get here?" The PE teacher blinked her eyes in confusion.

"Well, I sorta came here via flyin' bed, tried to buy some milk, barged in'tuh eh set of _Twilight_ filmed in a Harry Potter Narnia store, met Tomo, Kagura, some big-muscled fellahs who shoot for a living plottin' against sum girl who look'd like Yomi without 'er glasses, flew some planes and shooting up some that were bombin' Princess Peach's castle. An' did some War_ Thunder_ with Tomo and Kagura. Ol ah got was a sum four planes but the last one was an ace."

"I don't know what think of your adventure," Kurosawa admitted, her face showing how random it all sounded to her.

"Meh neither, ah mean this sort of stuff flows around a'lot. Like how ah'm floatin' down."

"I can see that."

"Where am ah goin'?"

"Going nowhere. This is the void of space after all."

Then Ayumu's eyes widened as a thought sparked up in her mind. "That means ah can float!" She undid the straps of her parachute and let go into the void. She opened her eyes and saw she wasn't floating. "Help meh, Miss Kurosawa!" she cried out desperately.

"I can't, I'm just a disembodied, giant face," replied the PE teacher.

Osaka continued to grasp at air mewing in terror, falling below the screen.

Nyamo went on. "Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you — the spice exists on only one planet in the entire multiverse. A desolate, dry world very much not Tattoine or Sedona, Arizona with vast deserts. Hidden away within the rocks of these deserts are a people known as the Plummen, who have long held a prophecy that a girl would come, a messiah who would lead them to true freedom. The planet is Baracus, also known as Plum."

Then comes the title screen...

-_epic part_-

**PLUM: AN OSAKAN HOPE!**

**Starring**

_Ayumu "Osaka" Kasuga_

Osaka was kept flailing through the air hoping she would fly, not sure where she's falling. "Ah man, ah can' take this no more. This has gotta stop!"

_Michael "Plums and Chocolate Cake" Rosen_

Then she everything started twinkling in the blackness and Osaka started to slow down a bit though she still has enough velocity left to cruise down with some speed. "Hey, am ah in space now?"

"Looks like it," Mini-Chiyo replied, flying a toy biplane. "I think those are stars."

_Terry "Awesome"Crews_

Her eyes went blank in terror. "Waaah! Ah wanna go home!"

"But Osaka! You can't back out now. We need you to defeat Monika!" pleaded Mini-Chiyo.

_Sakaki_

"But why meh? Ah ain't cut out for adventures loike _Lord of the Rings_ or _Star Wars_. Ah can't beat her."

She passing star ships. "Help meh!" she shouted to the USS _Enterprise_.

"Nope!" said Captain Kirk.

"Help meh, Han Solo!" she said to the _Millenium Falcon_.

"Arrrhh! Arrrrhhh! Arrrrh!" grunted Chewie, which says, _Han's dead! Everything suck's now! Screw Disney!_

"Help meh, ET!" she hailed ET's ship.

"ET phone home!" greetrd ET.

_Monika_

"But you are the chosen one!" retorted Chiyo.

"Why am ah de chosen won?" It was the first time she heard of it.

_Oh, hi there, Sayori_

"Because you're Osaka." Chiyo shined brightly in epiphany.

It took the airhead a minute and a half to process that tidbit as she was working on why she was chosen. "Why was ah chosen?"

(DUUUUNE! DUUUNE! DU-DUUNE!)

_Adaptated from _Dune_ (1984) by David Lynch, in turn based on Frank Herbert's groundbreaking sci-fi novel, without it _Star Wars_ and _Warhammer 40K_ wouldn't exist; crossovered with Dan Salvato's _Doki Doki Literature Club; _suprise horror hit of 2017, tricking people with dating sim action._

Before that could be answered she landed into a Launch Star, which spun her around before spitting her out into the vast starry void.

"Chhhiiiiiyyyyyooooo!" Osaka is blasting off- for the first time! She vanished in a twinkling in the great sparkling sky.

-_Main Title ends_-

**Created and directed by**  
_Anime Borat_

* * *

They say in space no one can hear you scream. Except for a slight bleating sound as an oddity streaked across the void. It drew the attention the Xenomorph, wondering why it can hear it before Ridley pounced his ass and shot him straight out to Dateline NBC.

"Ah no! This ain' no gud!" Osaka mewed, a river of tears trailing behind her, blinding space ships' windshields and causing them crash on asteroids and their insurance premiums.

"Spaaaaccceeee!" A Portal core zipped by excitedly.

"Ah like space too," she replied to the core, "but this ain't helpin' meh here."

Then the something loomed within Osaka's sight and it's getting closer real fast!

"OHMAHGAW-"

_POMP_!

Osaka landed in the middle of a meadow. The space cadet rose up from the surprisingly soft ground. Everything was pretty and puffy and warm. "Am ah in heaven?"

\- _Comet Observatory 1 - Super Mario Galaxy OST plays_-

A Luma flew above her. "No you're not, Osaka," it trilled cutely. "You've arrived at the Comet Observatory!"

"Ah'm on Hayley's Comet?" She can't believe she was the first human to land on a comet.

"Oh no, it's the Comet Observatory," it happily corrected.

"Oh! Ah get it!" A thought lightbulb'd in her mind. "Ah'm on the Death Star!"

"No, it's not the Death Star. It's in a galaxy far, far away," corrected the Luma patiently once again.

"Ah still can't believe ah landed on'a comet," Osaka noted skeptically. "Ah mean it's zippin' through the sky like uh bullet and no won's ever landed on a bullet."

"It doesn't make sense either, as this isn't actually a comet," said the Luma matter-of-factly, "it's a fantastic floating castle built on some floating pieces of land."

"Ah! Ah'm in Uranus!" she suddenly quipped.

"NO!" snapped the Luma angrily! "Damn it, Shepard!" It flow away in rage. It went on to ranting about giving Commander Shepard a probe for tagging that joke on the Observatory.

"Oh man, ah'm aboard an alien world," she said to herself. "What do ah do now?"

"Welcome to the Comet Observatory. It's my home, and also home to the Lumas." the sweet voice drawn Osaka's attention to Princess Rosalina.

"Hiya, yo' highness," she greeted back. "Can ya take meh back home?"

"Well, where are you from?" the princess asked happily.

Osaka gave her address, her personal information, and her social security number. "Wait... was that mah mum's?"

"Aw," she gloomed, "I'm sorry. That will take five hundred years to get there."

"Wai... wha- Five hundert jahres?" The airhead was alarmed. "Ah can' way't that long! Ah'll be dead then."

Rosalina sympathized with her latest ward. "I'm so sorry. We've been getting a lot of homeless people. Many of them have been fleeing from Monika's invasions throughout the multiverse."

"Hey, meh and de Bonkuras helped stopped Monika from bombin' the Mushroom Kingdom."

"You did!?" Rosalina exclaimed. "That's so brave!" Rosalina was jumping up and down in joy.

"What!? No 'thank you' to Ace Tomo?" exclaimed the wild cat, mad that no one gave her credit.

"Hey, Tomo, yah're here!" Osaka was happy to see one of her friends around.

"Yeah, yeah," she said in annoyance. "She's like swooning over you just for flying with us. But you got like three planes."

"Actually four," she corrected.

"Well, four. I got a hundred! I was MVP up there." Tomo's a fame hog.

"Hey, are yah a lesbian?" Osaka asked.

"Gah!" Ace Tomo choked in shock.

She explained, "Ah mean yeh're tryin' to impress Princess Rosalina 'ere, just like how you're flirtin' wid Yomi."

Tomo's eyes bulged out of her eye sockets. "Wha-wha- Who told you that!?"

"Konata Izum-ey did. She says that any'won poking fun on'a pretty girl with fat jokes mean's they like 'er thick though it's spelled with double C's instead. They want that boat-ey of sumthin."

"That's prepostorous! She's just easy with that juicy ass-" That came out wrong. "Blubberbutt's just easy to piss off. Konata's the real lesbian!"

"An' she don't spell too good too. Who spells _thick_ wid double C's?" Well, most of the Internet...?

Rosalina smiled. "It's so good to see you catch up. So would you all like some tea?"

"That'll beh nice," she agreed. "Do you have Sata Andagi?"

-_Comet Observatory 1 stops_-

Before Rosalina could agree in the affirmative, the freaks from _Five Nights at Freddy's_ appeared.

"Thank you for taking us in, Princess Rosalina," said Chica.

"We thought no one would take us after our world is destroyed," added Bonnie. Osaka noted they have distorted electronic voices which sounded like an in-bred mixture of computerized Hispanic, Eastern European, and Pakistani accents.

"Sounds like Microsoft Sam is tryin' ta hard learnin' new languages or auditionin` for a voice actin' cuh-rear," the airhead noted.

"We can never repay you enough," agreed Foxy. "I enjoy balls - lots of balls here."

"You have the finest hospitality throughout the multiverse," said Freddie Fazbear, in a very smooth and rich Deep South accent, not computerized like his cohorts. "Exquisite as cream gravy in chicken and waffles."

"I'm just glad to help," Rosalina said modestly. "It's nothing really." She turned to Osaka. "I'll be waiting for you at my room if you still want tea and Sata Andagi."

"Ah'll be there." She waved her noodly arm in agreement.

So Rosalina continued on with her rounds. Then they reveal their true colors. "Muahahahaha!"

"Now we commit our most nefarious deed of all: kill Princess Rosalina," declared Foxy, rubbing his hands.

"And we launch the observatory into Naboo, like in _Gundam_," Foxy laughed evilly. "We genocide Jarjar and the Lumas out of existence at the same time."

"And Monika will give us back our Pizzeria from Tom Nook," Chica said excitedly.

"More than just that," corrected Freddy. "We will corner the whole pizza market in Monika's new multiverse empire." And they all roared in laughter over the evil they were going to commit on precious Princess Rosalina and her Lumas.

"Yah know ah'm still here, right?" Osaka's bleating inquiry shattered their delusion.

"**NAAANNIII!?**" they shrieked, startled. The world turned dark, blue and ominous as Osaka had actually listened to their plans.

They stared at each other, mouths agape; the Freddy freaks in shock and Osaka simply in a mental loading menu- taking so long to boot.

The staring contest would take such a long time so to speed it up, a new background tune was played.

-_MGSV:TPP Woah-ho theme, feat. Crash Bandicoot plays_-

So the greatest stare down in history began to the epic music of _Woah_ing and the rapid beeping of a Seiko watch. Tomo, who was also present, decided she didn't want to stay and went for some juice.

That left the field to the two contenders.

*_Woah-oh!_*

Octoberfest began and the Lumas partied with their hofbraus, having some excellent brewskies served with excellent German fare. Yet neither party could stop staring.

*_Woah-oh!_*

They passed by the Andromeda Galaxy and were making a turn back to the Milky Way. Everyone played volleyball qnd Rosalina looks hot and cute in a two piece. Yet those two stared.

*_Woah-oh!_*

The Multiverse Soccer Winter Cup has began. The fierce struggle for the title has left the game tense, exciting, and breathtaking. The final match was between Zelda Goron United and the KyoAni League. It ended 6-2. There was the usual fan violence like Gorons beating up moe girls, moe girls decapitating a harem protagonist, a tiger eating up some poor feller from Berlin, the champion Goron striker headbutting the pretty-boy defender for insulting his mother.

Everyone took selfies of Osaka and the Freddy freaks, who maintained eye contact with each other.

*_Woah-oh! Slows_*

Then the timelapse slowed down to real time, by then Itsuki Koizumi opened a gay bar.

-_TTP theme ends_-

"You heard about our plans!" whelped Chica in panic.

"We must break you," threatened Foxy.

"Let's stuff her inside a suit!" declared Bonnie.

"Well, it's yo' fault for sayin' your plans aloud in deh open," Osaka pointed out.

"My, my, my, ain't you a curious little fellow," Freddy said in amusement, walking over to her. "Tell you, what, why don't you just walk away, let us do our job, and we'll put in a good word for you to Monika."

"Ye said yah have uh pizzeria, right?" she asked.

"That's right, little lady," Freddy quipped proudly. "Now let's go kill you before we blow up this rock."

"If ye sell pizzuh why'd ye have a Southern accent? Ah mean you have to sound Italian or New Yorker to sell pizza. It dun make sense."

"What does my accent have to do with selling pizzas?" questioned Fazbear.

"Ah dunno..." Osaka answered honestly. "Hey, way'da minute. Aren't ye guys from Five Nights at Freddy's?" They sweatdropped.

"OH SHIT OUR COVER'S BLOWN!" they collectively freaked out.

"You have my permission to die," declared Freddy in a Bane impression, pulling out a Desert Eagle.

"Can I chomp her brains?" Foxy asked, gyrating his arms like a ragdoll.

"No, we do this cleanly," snapped back their boss.

"Ah man, this ain good," Osaka gulped. "I gotta get outta here!"

"You better!" Mini-Chiyo cried. "Unlike the rent-a-cops they kill you got legs to run with! Run, Osaka, run!"

So Osaka took off - at her usual running speed on PE.

"GET HER!" Freddy growled angrily and the freaks began to chase her in their mechanical walking pace, creaking and eletronically whining about. If Osaka's speed is twelve miles an hour, the freaks move at five miles.

An hour passed and she stopped to catch her breath. "It's no use, Chiyo-chan," she panted. "I can't get no faster. They gainin' on meh." The freaks were catching up - still a hundred meters away and struggling to use the stairs like a geriatric Communist.

"Dagnammit!" Freddy cursed, almost slipping. Chica nearly fell off when Bonnie hobbled up its ass.

"I want to eat balls," declared Foxy. "Where are the balls?"

Osaka stopped to catch her breath at a bench when she looked back. The freaks have reached the top of the stairs! - two hundred meters away.

"Ah no!" she panted. "Ah can' warn Princess Rosalina in time."

"I know what you can do!" Mini-Chiyo buzzed, carrying a green Nintendo mushroom. "Here! A power-up!"

"Why golly, thanks Chiyo-chan," she thanked and took the mushroom. She ate it and felt better. "Let's save Princess Rosalina!" So she ran off at twice her usual speed.

"Too can play that game!" Foxy quipped after they all made up the top. He produced a pill bottle entitled, "Lance Armstrong's Doping Mix." He took four blue-and-orange spiral lozenges and handed out three.

"Mighty morphine time!" They consumed the lozenges and turned to - they coughed, doubled over in pain, vomited KY Jelly they had for hydraulic fluid and lubricant, and died horribly.

* * *

"Yup, it's Tide pods alright."

-_Sad violin plays_-

"That is terrible," Rosalina said sadly as the Luma paramedics cart off the dead animatronic freaks into the ambulance.

"They were gonna kill ya," Osaka pointed out.

"But I don't like it when other people die," the princess mourned. "They don't have to die."

-_Sad violin stops_-

"Pffft!" Tomo scoffed. "Laaaammeee. Come on, Rosalina. Why don't you go 'off with their heads' with trying to kill you? You won't survive politics with that kind of attitude around."

"Hey Tomo, she jus wants ta take care of her Lumas," the airhead said. "Ah mehn the White House doesn't visit this place often, with ol the budget cuts on NASA an' all."

Tomo raised an eyebrow. "Half of what you spout is what Yomi would say."

Osaka's eyes brightened at this new info nugget. "Nao that ye mention it, where' is Yomi?"

The wildcat smirked. "Ha! She's probably stuffing herself with Hot Pockets and Twinkies."

"Why are those thing call'd Hot Pockets?" the airhead questioned. "Should`n they bee turnovers? Unless you fit 'em in pocket tuh keep em' warm... but sittin' be like yah soiled you'self... Ah get it! Hot Pockets cause they empty yo wallet fast buying 'em."

Tomo stared back in blank eyes at her friend's wisdom. "Oh! Oh! I get it too. You burn out your pockets in no time eating cheap microwavable pasties of questionable preparation!"

A Luma floated to Princess Rosalina. "Princess Rosalina, a ship is approaching the observatory."

Rosalina stopped mourning and faced the Luma, curious. "Huh? Is it friendly?"

"The ship hails itself as the _SSV Normandy_-"

"Greetings, Comet Observatory!" blared the loudspeakers. "This is Commander Shepherd and I am about to claim your little comet in the name of Monika." Everyone on the observatory began to panic as the ominous space warship draws closer. Almost everyone such as the Lumas, the Gorons, the Village People, the burghers of Pallet Town, and the casts of _Bleach_ and _Naruto_ and so many more stampeded straight to Itsuki's gay bar as it's the only place to serve alcohol. One last happy hour before they're blown to oblivion - not to mention some booty.

-_Imperial March - Star Wars OST- plays_-

"Ah never see so many people come outta the closet," said an astounded Osaka as people were cramming into the bar. "An' ah dun know what comin' outta the closet means."

"We don't have time for that now!" Tomo snapped. "We need to shove a missile up Shepherd's exhaust hole." She turned to Rosalina. "Hey, Princess. You got any defense systems or a navy on this rock?"

"I don't have any," she replied. "We never had to."

Tomo's eyes almost pop out in shock. "Wait, you're saying you never have any defenses on this place in spite of all the pirates, Xenomorphs, Borg, Reapers, and Covenants running around the universe!?"

"Un ale-yen princess who dozen wanna hurt nobody? Yeh got my high five," Osaka raised her spaghetti arm in approval of Rosalina's pacifism, which means she won't invade earth.

"Grrr..." Even Tomo looks like she's gonna have a headache. "You have anything we could to stop him? ANYTHING AT ALL?" she asked frantically.

As if to emphasize the urgency, the _Normandy_ cruised slower bouncing up and down with close-up shots of parts of the ship and Shepard and Pals dancing to the tune of _Swiggity Swooty (Coming For The Booty)_.

"I do have a police force," she said. "And I have a space-faring delivery truck that brings in ice cream all my Lumas want, plus some experimental science equipment."

_-Imperial March stops_-

"Hey, look!" Osaka called, pointing to the starry sky. "Flying mushrooms!"

-_Toad Brigade (Super Mario Galaxy OST) plays_-

"What!?" Tomo looked up see rocket-powered red toadstools flying out to meet the _Normandy_.

"It's the Toad Brigade!" Rosalina jumped up in excitement. "Mushroom Kingdom sent aid!"

Then Kagura made a grand entrance. "I was the one who called for aid... and Peach has answered."

"Kagura!" Tomo and Osaka cried in unison, happy to see their fellow Bonkers again.

"Hey, guys, great to see you!" She waved at them. "Now we got a space battle to watch." As they did the Toad ships deployed their Gatling cannons and peppered the _Normandy_, causing a lot of damage. The hits rocked the ship back and forth, denting it's armor and ruining the paintjob.

-_Toad Brigade stops_-

Inside the ship shook violently.

"Massive damage taken!" EDI reported.

"One twist drive destroyed!" Tali'Zorah replied into the intercom.

"Lost connections for twinkle banks 3 through 11!" Geth called out.

"Computer helpdesk went bankrupt!" Kelly ranted.

"Halludeck going offline!" Jacob Taylor on realizing he can't download porn anymore.

"Coffee-o-Matic damaged beyond repair!" Mordin wailed in horror.

Commander Shephard struggled holding on to his command console. "I can't be defeated now! Monika promised me revenge on EA. And I not gonna be shafted by Electronic Asshole Games for that BS ending they gave me for my sacrifice." Then stood up defiantly. "I'm gonna risk it. For tits. ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!" Sparks flew from the control board behind him.

* * *

_On the comet observatory..._

-_Twin Peaks Theme by Angelo Badalamenti plays_-

"Man, this space battle's a bummer, " Tomo complained on her lounge chair. "EA really cut off his balls." The _Normandy_ was rocked continously by the Toads' Gatling cannon fire.

"Their Space Magic cut off his balls," Kagura added, drinking her juice.

"Space Magic? Can aliens really do magic?" Osaka was now curious. She took a bite out of her Sata Andagi. "Dang gud Sata Andagi," she mused in delight.

"Would you like to try my cherry pie?" Rosalina asked sweetly.

"Sure du." Osaka took a piece and had a bite. "Cherry pie's great and ol it needs is some coffee."

And something was launched out of the _Normandy_ at high speed! It was an X-Wing with Yukari at the helm!

"Hay, what's that?" she pointed out the obvious looming closer.

-_Twin Peaks Theme stops_-

She slurred her drinking song, "I'm sooo drunk I can barely see!/But it helps me get through another daaaay!/I gorge on _sake_ and _yakitori_-!"

She kamikaze'd right into the Beacon, knocking power to twenty percent.

"Oh no!" Rosalina nearly yelled as the Beacon stalled. "Now I can't warp away from danger!" The klaxons blared emergency as the Lumas rushed to repair the Beacon.

"Oh crap!" Tomo and Kagura cried blank-eyed in shock as this turn of events have spoiled their overconfidence.

"Ah mai," chimed Osaka, "ah guess we're taking deh ice cream truck." Yukari casually walked out of the crash site, unhurt and drunk.

"Worth it!" she shouted, with a thumbs-up raised.

* * *

-_StarCraft II theme (epic part) plays_-

The _Normandy_ began to deploy its armament of awesome and targeted the Toad ships.

"All ships targetted!" reported Garus crisply.

"Open fire!" Shepard ordered.

Thus the _Normandy_ blasted the Toad fleet in all directions a laser lightshow of epic proportions.

"OH NOOOO!" Captain Toad screamed as his flagship, the HMS _Toad_ split into three pieces.

"It's a trap!" cried Admiral Ackbar.

Left and right the Toad fleet was blasted into oblivion.

"Who can stop me now!?" laughed Shepard maniacally. "Prepare your assbutt, EA. Once Monika gets the Triforce, there are no brakes in the REAP train!"

"Uh... don't you mean r-?" pointed out Garus.

"I know what I said. We can't have triggering now, can we?"

The Toad fleet fought valiantly but they can't handle the _Normandy_'s superior firepower. The Mushroom UFOs were outgunned by Commander Shepard. They were reduced to pieces of space junk and the crews sucked out into the vacuum of space, strangely breathable as you've noticed. Now nothing can stop Monika's forces from claiming the Observatory. Nothing!

-_StarCraft II theme stops_-

And a little white van chugged out of the Observatory in the direction of the battlecruiser.

-_Sink The Bismarck by Johnny Horton plays_-

The little ice cream truck flew closer amidst the debris left by the wrecked Toad ships. It dodged large chunks of space junk and screaming Toad crews drifting-

_THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!_

Well, butted Toads away. In it was its intrepid crew: Kagura on the wheel, Tomo on the tennis ball machine, and Osaka with their secret weapon.

"This sucks!" the wildcat complained as she looked their only main weapon. "They only have ball machines firing potatoes! How the hells are we supposed to fight with a potato cannon?"

"We need to buy Osaka time to charge up the secret weapon," Kagura replied.

"Would it hurt to have a Mah Deuce?" Tomo deadpanned wryly.

"Hey, this is Osaka's dream," the tomboy retorted. "Keep rated E to T." Then Kagura looked puzzled. "Why are we even talking about it at all?"

Our hero was listening to Rosalina's instructions on the weapon via codec. "The Wormhole Generator needs to be charged for five minutes in order to create a wormhole big enough to swallow the _Normandy_. When it's ready you fire it near its starboard side. You only have 30 seconds to clear out before the wormhole emerges or you'll be caught by its gravitational pull." Then she went on how the machine worked, the physics and mechanics poured into it, which Osaka couldn't quite follow.

"So how you work that thing?" Kagura asked as she dodged a piece of Toad spaceship and knocked out a few drifting Toads out of the way yet again.

"LET ME IN! LET ME IN!" begged desperately a Toad Gunner's Mate First Class, trying to drift for the ice cream truck.

"Gyah!" Tomo, jumped back, then she locked-and-loaded the ball shooter. "Aw hell no!" She fired her stream of potatoes at him and his buddies, pinged them back around floating.

"Hey, this is kinda fun." Tomo chimed. She then loaded the French fry munitions and began firing her piece at six hundred chips a second at all the drifting Toads. "Woohoo, get some! Yeah! Get some!"

"Ah'mah chargin' this here Portal Gun," the space cadet quipped. "In five minutes ah'm gonna fire a wormhole. Seems like a lot of time. Whaddya you guys wanna do?"

-_Sink the Bismarck fades_-

Kagura leaned back. "Why don't we play Gwent?"

"What's that?" Tomo asked.

"Es it named afteh Gwent?" Osaka piped in.

-_Another Round of Gwent by Miracle of Sound plays_-

"It's a card game from the _Witcher_ series." She flipped out a pack. "Let's play!" So Kagura put the truck on autopilot and they all gathered at the back to play a round to while away five minutes.

-_ends in chorus_-

Meanwhile, aboard the _Normandy_, things were going swell for Shepard as he blasted the remaining Toad ships still. This was a glorious day for Monika is righteous.

"The remaining Toad ships are withdrawing," EDI confirmed. "The Observatory is ripe for taking."

"YES!" Shepard fistpumped. "You know what that means..."

"PARTY!" The jubilant Normandy crew's shout reverberated through the hull. And now they partied.

-_Ryu - AGEHA plays_-

Inside it was a wild rave party! Shepard bust some moves by hanging in mid-air gyrating his limbs and head at impossible positions and speeds like a Gmod ragdoll, like_ The Exorcist_ on crack, punctuated with pelvic thrusts. Jacob Taylor played beer pong with Garus; Geth was spinning some phat beats on his DJ booth; Kasumi and Kelly were making out in the first-class officer accommodations, very hot; Mordin got his caffiene fix from Red Bull, and they partied for imminent victory.

And EDI was streaming the whole thing for shits and giggles.

"Launch the troops!" Shepard declared as an afterthought.

-_Ryu - AGEHA stops_-

"_I'mmm about to whip somebody's ass~_," came the call and on the hold assembled the invasion force- the Milkmen, humanoid milk cartons as elite soldiers, their lable featuring Monika on a Got Milk ad. They're itching for a whipping.

Back aboard the ice cream truck the card game was exciting...

-_Hotel Mario theme plays_-

"Go fish!" Osaka declared.

"Osaka, that's not Go Fish, it's Gwent," Kagura corrected.

"Blue-Eyes White Dragon!" Tomo declared.

"No, it ain't. It's just a ghoul."

"Oh..." Tomo looked at her cards. "What's up with these cards anyway? They have monsters and boobies."

Then the radiophone beeped. "It must be Princess Rosalina." Kagura got up. "I'll get it. She put it on speaker.

"Osaka," the princess called. "How is the machine?"

Osaka looked at Wormhole Generator. "Aboot a minute left 'fore firing? Why?"

"Please hurry! The _Normandy_ is coming closer and looks it's about land troops, the Milkmen!"

Osaka tilted her head at that. "Milk... men... does Monika want your milk? Nao that's just wrong-"

"They're not gonna milk her, dammit!" the first Luma she met angrily ranted. "They're gonna invade the Observatory! Once they get it's game over, man! Game over!"

"Kyon, let's make out," Itsuki suggested out loud over the din.

"NOOOO!" Kyon snapped back, followed by pummeling what seemed like by the Lumas.

"Please hurry... everyone's drunk and doing crazy things," the princess pleaded.

-_Hotel Mario theme stops_-

"Nao ya hang in there tight, hon, and we'll get to crackin' that ship." So they hung up and went into position.

-_Gunning for Danger (Spongebob OST) plays_-

"Alright, starting attack run... now!" Kagura poured in the coals in the truck's anti-matter engine and the repulsors flared up in power.

"I got my gun ready!" Tomo shouted eagerly as she loaded more spuds into the tennis ball machine.

Osaka checked the power on the Generator. "Almost there." So they sped and swerved towards the Normandy.

"Of last!" cried an astronaut Poland. "I of finally can into space-!" Kagura clipped him hard and sent him careening into a Toad lifeboat, blowing it up. "Kurwa..."

They snuck above the _Normandy_. "Alright, Osaka, get ready to tear Shep a new one-" Kagura's cocky pep talk was interrupted by the Toad Gunner's Mate on the windshield!

"LET US IN!" he cried, rapping on the plastic glass.

"Ah! What the freak!" Kagura almost lost control as the Toads covered her windshield. Osaka rolled over, accidentally priming the machine.

"Oh golly!" she exclaimed as the machine shook violently.

"Stupid Toads!" Tomo cursed as she fired her spud gun at Toads swimming through space in desperation for a ride home. It was hilarious knocking them aside like ragdolls.

CLICK! The potato gun jammed! "Argh! Crap!" At that moment, the Toads bumrushed her firing port and managed to overwhelm Tomo and shove themselves into the hold. "Ah! Get outta here!" She shoved and punched one back out.

"Ah! Piss off!" Kagura tried to keep them from taking the wheel, kicking and punching about while flying to shake loose the other clingy Toads on the van.

"Hey y'all! Ya can't beh in 'ere!" Osaka protested as she was crowded out by panicking Toads while she tried to reach for the overcharging Generator.

"Get off!" the tomboy mushed a Toad against the windshield as she drove around.

Tomo was swinging a stun stick, warding off Toads with electroshock therapy but they couldn't be controlled.

All the spirals and barrel rolls had sent straight into...

The _Normandy_'s bridge, knocking Shepard on his ass just as he shook it to the beat. And out of the cramped van came the Bonkers and Toads.

Shepard got up. "How dare you crash my party!? I'll kill your asses." He got a face full of Toad from Tomo. The Toads, seeing their luck changed and the tide turned, began to attack Shepard's crew, resulting in a nonsensical melee of punching, kicking, grappling, and dogpiling.

Shepard grabbed the microphone. "All troops at the launch bay! Report to the bridge! We've got a hijacking!" Immediately, heavily-armed Milkmen rushed to the bridge and burst into the room.

"You're all dead now!" declared the Milkman commander. They let loose an indiscriminate hail of bullets that fired into friend and foe alike, shooting up many Toads and causing the named Normandy crewmembers to shoot back. Then the Toads crashed their lifeboats into the ship, and thousands of vengeful Toads flooded the bridge, armed with whatever they had, bumrushed the Milkmen and whacked the milk out of them. For the Bonkers, this was their chance!

"Osaka! Retrieve the machine!" Kagura ordered, pointing to the wrecked ice-cream truck.

"Okey-dokey!" So Osaka climbed back inside and emerged with the Wormhole Generator upraised in triumph. "Ah got it!" A Toad thrown by Garus knocked it off and it crashed on the floor.

"Ah no!" she gasped as the thing bounced with energy, whirring uncontrollably.

And the _Normandy_ Crew, Toads, and her fellow Bonkers' went wide up. "OH SHI-!" A bright flash of light erupted and engulfed them.

_WHHOOOMMPPP!_

-_Final Dream (Dune OST) plays_-

The generator fired inside the _Normandy_, trapping it in a warp bubble, imploding on itself faster than you can shake a stick at. Princess Rosalina and the Lumas watched as the sucked itself in a second, reduced into a tiny bubble before twinkling.

"Oh no!" gasped Princess Rosalina after watching the whole thing.

The Lumas saw the whole thing and were touched by the airhead's accidental sacrifice. The first Luma said, "I'll miss that kid."

Naruto found out Itsuki gave him Ebolaids.

Osaka became hero of the stars. From that day onward, the Osakan space cadet was honored as a hero for having saved the Comet Observatory from the clutches of Monika. Where she is now is a mystery. Now on to the show...

-_Final Dream ends_-

* * *

A/N: Sorry to those who are fans of the now EA-screwed series as well as people who liked _Mario series_, _FNAF_ (which I feel the hype has overblown to a disturbing quality, thus deserving of parody) and Fortnite (kiddy aesthtics and playstyle, cannot resist making fun off), and Michael Rosen. Also there's also some minor Game Grumps (from their _Super Mario Galax_y playthrough), a dash of SMG4, and a Finnish _Star Trek_ parody _Star Wreck -In the Pirkinning_.

_He mentioned something interesting, Monika is pursuing new research. He claims what they're doing in Baracus is the missing piece, a weapon to surpass Metal Gear._

_-chills-_


	4. Book 4: Welcome to Plum

**The Rime of the Osakan Space Cadet**

**Book 4: Welcome to Plum**

A/N: This was the second half of_ Book 2: Stars and Dunes_. Now Osaka finds herself in a planet with no water and named after a fruit.

* * *

The desert lit up like a like a Christmas tree as a mysterious multicolored ball of light flashed and then waned almost instantly. In its place stood a frail figure staring out in befuddlement after a few coughing fits and a few pats to rid of the sand.

-_Take Me to Heaven by Laibach plays_-

Osaka found herself in a large sandy place. "Hey, Mini-Chiyo, is this a beach...?"

"I don't think we're in a beach, Miss Osaka." Chiyo was unsure of what they landed and or what to do next. "I think we're in a desert."

"Oh shoot, ah think we need to find some shelte'h o' we' crisps," Osaka lamented. She looked around to see if there was anything leading back to civilization. "Ol' ah seeh are sand everywhere except for some rocks that look real far away."

"What do we do now? We can't reach those rocks or will die of thirst." Mini-Chiyo was worried about her ward might make a brash decision and looked at where she stood-

She's already walking.

"Osaka! Wait!" She flew to her wandering friend.

"So, if ah can make it to them rocky mountains," she said with enthusiasm. "Ah can find ut cave ta sit oot this desert."

"But Osaka, we don't have water." Chiyo's statement echoed loudly through the expanse for a minute.

"Oh yeah..." Then she finally realized how hot it was. "Ah no! Ah'll be uh raisin in this heat." You only noticed after what Chiyo said.

Then they heard a _thump-thump-thump_ sound in the air. They looked up and saw a helicopter! They've been saved.

"Hey, Chiyo! Look's like wee're gonna make it after all."

Mini-Chiyo's eyes went blank. "Osaka, I don't think they're friendly."

-_Take Me To Heaven stops_-

And a net was dropped on them, snaring them in and lifting them up. The helicopter squawked full of static, "Lit Club," declared Swagmaster, "the target has been captured! I repeat, target has been captured. Heading back home, out. Lolololololo!"

"We gotta take her back as soon as possible, Swag," said Chris, his co-pilot. "If we Gannondorf will have our asses."

"I think he wants your ass," Swag quipped. "Lolololol!"

"I swear to God, Swag..." And on and on Chris argued.

Back below. "Yo're reet, Chiyo. Dey certainly ain't." Osaka was bouncing up and down from the bottom of the helicopter as it went higher.

"Miss Osaka, what should we do?" her tiny little flying friend asked worriedly.

Osaka tapped her chin in thought, then her eyes went wide as the solution dawned to her. "Ah fig-yer that once we stop at whatever this came frum, we might hab a chance fer escape. In de mean time, ah can think of a few ideas." She had a face beaming with confidence and eyes just as wide as usual.

"Osaka, you're not a very good thinker," she pointed out the sad fact. "You don't get it together."

Osaka went sad. "Oh yeah~."

Just as they flew over the mountains, with Osaka marveling at them oblivious to her safety when a bang was heard.

Then she suddenly felt zero gravity and found herself falling to the rocks below while the chopper flew on. "Ah no! Not agaaaaainn...!" She disappeared down the blackness of a sinkhole in a perfect three-pointer. Stephen Curry approves.

* * *

-_Goron City - The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time OST plays_-

"Nao this is eh completely different turn o' events," Osaka mewed glumly as she dangled in the net, hanging from a hook in the cave, surrounded by strange figures in robes looking at her from below. "Man, ah dun think ah can take anymore of this skydivin.'"

"Same here," Mini-Chiyo agreed.

The space cadet scanned the cavern with her wide eyes. "Ah reckon we're in Afghanistan."

"What makes you say that?"

"These guys ar' covered in head-to-foot in robes an' we're in uh cave where they hide from them drones." Chiyo sweatdropped. That's not a very PC thing to say, Osaka.

"Is this the chosen one?" a cheery British voice rang out and the sea of robes parted away for one robed figure to waddling towards her.

"When will this eva' stop, Chiyo-chan?"

"The flying and falling around or the chosen one thing?"

She looked at Chiyo-chan. "Can' it be both?"

Then the figure stopped below Osaka and lowered his hood. It was Michael Rosen!

"Sorry for leaving you hanging up there," he said amicably, decked out like Obi-Wan. "You had us all in a worry." Somewhere the spirit of Sayori cried at yet another bulli.

"Michael Rosen, dun implant ale-yen eggs en meh," she begged as she struggled inside. Naturally, her attempts were adorable and her subpar fitness meant she couldn't wiggle for long.

"No, no, no, no, Osaka. No one' planting anything in you," he placated. "You're among friends."

"If yeh're friends wai am ah still hangin'?"

"Oh, sorry about that." Michael then called out, "Oi, Sakaki. Be a good dearie and help her down." So Sakaki streaked out of her robes into the air and smoothly cut the duo free of the net with a swipe of her knife. She did a three-point landing while the duo landed on comfy chairs.

"Greetings, Osaka, and welcome to our sietch," said a large black dude.

"Oh, hullo, there Terry Crews," greeted Osaka. "Mah mom likes yer work."

"In the real world I'm an actor but here in the dreamworld, I'm the chieftain of this sietch. Welcome to Terryown."

Osaka regarded Rosen. "An' yew, Misteh Rosen, wat are yew doin' here?"

"I'm the guy who predicted your coming which will herald the end of Monika's rule." He clicked his tongue.

"Cannae be anyone else?" she asked uneasily.

Michael shook his head. "Nope."

"Ah was 'fraid yeh might say that." Her hopes of mistaken identity were dashed.

"But first we must make sure you are the real Osaka," said Sakaki, who Osaka noticed for the first time wore a thick skin-hugging black suit.

"Wait, there's another meh? An' ah thought you wen' oot naked, Miss Sakaki." The tall girl blushed.

"You can never be too careful these days," Michael noted. "Especially when you're up against Monika."

"Why fight her if she's that powuh-full?" She couldn't quite understand the logic of fighting against someone with Thanos's powers.

Everyone frowned. "She can do things to you that wished never happened," Rosen said glumly. "Take me, for instance, for instance. I was a respected children's book author and poet and I didn't mind the memes until-" His voice turned distorted, "- Moan-knickers shoved me-meS-aboot-me- IN-to my-HEAD! every night -in my dreams, I see you, I feel you~- and took- all -of my-coffee!"

-_Goron City stops_-

She was initially startled by the outburst. "Ah yeah, Medic said sum'thin aboot Monika bendin' reality." Her stomach grumbled. "Man, ah'm hungry."

"Du are not wrong, Osaka," said Medic, wearing the same black suit as Sakaki beneath his robes.

"Hiya, Medic. What brings yah here?"

"Oh, nothing wrong except zat Monika invaded Gmod World." He went very blue. "She took back ze Pen! Ve are doomed!" He fled to his room in the cave and cried like a little girl.

"Looks like yer plan to defeat her's uh bust," Osaka said gloomily. "She's gonna plant memes en every'won's heads."

Then Spy walked in, still in his custom-made suit. "I think not, Osaka. She has wider ambitions with her Pen. And it is right here on this planet she made her plans for..." His eyes squinted. "That Special Day."

The whole cave felt a chill and everyone gasped and murmured with horror what could possibly be Monika's next evil move.

"Very few whispers and barely a few clues except for a slip by her chief scientist. He mentioned something interesting, Monika is pursuing new research. He claims what they're doing in Baracus is the missing piece, a weapon to surpass Metal Gear."

More dramatic chills.

"Why dun wei ole have tea?" Osaka suggested. "Nuthin' lifts the day like tea as mah mum used ta sey."

"That's a great idea, Miss Osaka!" Chiyo chimed in agreement.

"Oh, what a lovely idea!" Michael agreed. "I'll get the chocolate cake, the plum pudding, the cherry pies, and the **TINNED**-_PEACH_-SYRUP! WHAT A DRINK!"

* * *

So everyone had delicious tea but poor Osaka couldn't get any chocolate cake but there was some delicious cherry pie.

"Ah see Mario and friends in hee're," she noted as she watched Mario harassing the staff for Spaghetti, Toad running around in a sugar rush, and Princess Peach tipsy from all the liquor she downed.

"Well, Osaka," said Michael Rosen as he served tea. "Things have been getting a little wonky as of late. Monika has conquered the Mushroom Kingdom. She has overrun it with her army of Fortniters." Then he turned on his flatscreen TV to see Battle Buses flying over the castle as Fortniters glided out of their special ed transports to fight on land.

"How she use those fellahs fer ah'n armee?" Osaka took another cuppa.

"Of course," said Michael in a mixture of suprise and annoyance. "I'm amazed how she actually manage to scrape them together into a workable fighting force."

Now we see the conduct of the battle to the beat of Joywave's _Destruction_. Some of the kiddies glided straight into pike squares of the Toads, impaled like the idiots they were while some Toads were playing Duck Hunt with them with their rifles from the parapets. Some slammed into the castle walls while others landed safely and began shooting up and hacking up Toads to their hearts' content, like a typical Fortnite match. Some player in a default girl model was running-and-shotgunning Toads like crazy before taking a gold coin to the face. Now several Fortnite players were building battlements and climbing structures to enter the castle, something that would have made Vauban proud if it wasn't for the fact that it was done by sugar-hyped, attention-deficit man-children.

"Fight! Launch the cannons!" The Toads fired their cannons on the siege works of the Fortnutters and onto the Battle Buses, blowing some out of the sky, some with Fortnutters still inside, crashing onto their comrades below. Now they're sandwiches, being grilled by burning bus. A Fortnutter took a cannonball to the face and now his head was rolling on the grass.

Toad pike-and-shot tried to contain the the invasion with the morons who play kiddy Quake/Bob-the-Builder simulator, but they were too fast and too random though those qualities worked against them like sprinting into spears or getting ventilated by Toad fire. Then the kiddies broke them up with rocket fire but Toads mow them down with their own weapons. And on and on the kiddy deathmatch continued. As this ass-tastic battle royale continued, a stirring speech!

"We won't let those fuckers take this and!" Captain Toad roared. "Isn't that right, Toad!"

"RIGHT!" shouted back his company, moments before they were decimated by Fortnutters. As the morons on high-fructose corn syrup and Redbull were bunnyhopping and teabagging his dead troops, Captain Toad did one badass thing to avenge his Toads.

"LAUNCH THE NUKES!" he shrieked into the radio. And a jet bomber (how did the Mushroom Kingdom have freakin' jet?) flew out of a cave and headed for Princess Peach's castle. It dropped the bomb, leveling the entire place, wiping out the castle with the Fortnutters and the entire Toad garrison.

He shut off the flatscreen and with it the Fortnite theme. Osaka blinked. "Man, that wus a mighty fine mess. No wonduh Kagura called Fortnite a kiddy game."

"Well, I call it a win since I get to see Fortnutless kids get vaporized." Rosen smiled with delight.

Princess Peach walked in, drunk on Demoman's finest Scrumpy, slurred, "Iiii'llll beee fiiinee righttt heeeerrree."

"Hiya, Princess Peach," greeted Osaka, "so-ray aboot yer house."

"Iiiii'mm hoooomelesss." She dropped her face on the ground.

"Man, she took it bahd," noted the space cadet.

"It only gets worse from there unless we put a stop to her," Crews said gravely. "We all took refuge to this planet, hoping she wouldn't find us." Meanwhile, Mario was "playing" with the spaghetti in the background.

"Turns out," Rosen added, "she has set up her base of operations here because of its resource."

"Issit oil?" she asked.

Crews shook his head. "Nah, close but no cigar."

"Ah don' smoke," she pointed out. "Smokin's bad."

"It's an expression," he related to her. "Like winning a prize."

"Ah don' see how kids are s'pose to smoke cigars, seein' that they're tew young for that."

"Anyway, it's not oil that she's after," Michael butted in. "It's spice."

Osaka felt like a trap door was sprung beneath her. She gulped. "W-wai would she need ole that spice fer?"

Michael refilled his cup. "It's what fuels her ability to cross new realities and subjugate them to her whims. Now that she's reunited with the Pen, she has even bigger plans."

"Uh, is it to give herself cancer on de digestive linin'?" She guessed as best as she could.

"No," Rosen deadpanned.

"Ta mono-polize commercial production o' spice n' get rich oot of the profits, witch she will use to fund her army?" That one made much more sense to her. And us.

"Eh, no," he deadpanned again. "You don't seem to like spice, do you?"

"Ah can't take spicy food!" she cried in response.

"Well, you're gonna have suck it up," Crews told her. "For the test is about to come."

A metal door slid upward, revealing an ominous cloaked figure. Osaka froze in terror. "H-hey, y'all. It's de Grim Reaper... Hey..." And everyone had fled and left her in the dining chamber to face the music. "Hey, that's not nice."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the space cadet," the figure finally spoke.

She faced the figure. "Uh... hello?"

It walked in, or rather floated to the table. "I am here to test you." It was a girl's voice. "Are you the chosen one?"

"Hey, that voice sounds familiar...," she said to herself, unperturbed by the figure's vibes.

"I don't have all day, knowing you," she said impatiently. "Are you or are you not?"

Osaka didn't know whether she should runaway from the scary hooded girl or try and answer her correctly. "Every'won keeps callin' meh that."

"We shall see..." she whispered audbily.

Then it hit her! "Yomi, is that yew?"

The figure was startled. "Crap! Osaka, you ruined my moment!" she snapped, annoyed, taking off her hood.

"Ah finally got to see yah at last," she said in a smile. "Ah was wonderin' when you'll show up."

"I'm the one who gives you the test, that's what I showed up," she replied in annoyance. She then revealed a dinner trolley with a covered tray. Osaka felt unease at looking at the mystery dish. _Ah wonder if it's French snails or frog legs in there..._

"Ready for dinner?" Yomi asked sweetly.

"Hmm, dinner came too early since ah had tea," she pointed out.

"Shame, you won't get chocolate cake," Yomi mused, her face with mock sadness.

"_Did someone say chocolate cake!?_" Michael said excitedly from behind the other door. "_Let me at!_" This was followed by muffled scuffling, grunting and shouting with stuff like "Michael, calm down!" and "I want my cake!," etc.

Osaka mused as she weighed her concern of eating another meal right after tea and getting cake. She looked up, eyes wide in anticipation. "Issit chocolate cake under the cover?"

Yomi deadpanned, "Uh, no." Then she lit up, "But you get chocolate cake if you eat the mystery meal."

"That seems like it's rig'd 'gainst meh," she questioned skeptically. "But ah'll take it, seems like uh fehr trade as long as it's not yucky."

Yomi had a devious grin. "It's pain."

"Oh boy, it's French." Osaka congratulated herself for knowing what's French for bread.

Chiyo looked at her friend skeptically. "I don't think that's what Yomi meant, Miss Osaka."

She laid the meal in front of her with aplomb. "Here you go, Osaka." She lifted the tray in revelation.

Osaka's smile turned upside down as she saw the truth. Yomi announced, "Today is our special spicy platter, consisting of one order each of mapo doufu, spicy buffalo wings, red-hot jambalaya, jjampong, tom yum soup, with kimchi, deviled eggs, and and chili on the side. Bon appetit!"

The room turned dark, lit up by the radioactive glow of the spicy food for Osaka. It's right out of the eye-ball soup scene from _Temple of Doom_. "Yomi, this es jus' too much for meh!" she pleaded desperately. "Ah can't handle it at all."

The meganeko looked disappointed. "Oh Osaka~." She then took a plate of black forest cake and sprinkled it with kirschwasser. "No chocolate cake for you." She lit up an oven lighter near the cake.

"Hey, dun burn de cake," Osaka pleaded. "It didden do nothin' wrong." Meanwhile, Mike can be heard muffling in outrage of hurting a perfectly good chocolate cake, his meme infestation threatening to spill out, then silenced by a whack to the head. "Wai are yew doin' this?"

"To see if you can get it together," she replied devilishly. "Your awareness may be powerful enough to control your instincts. Your instinct would be to run for the 5-gallon Evian at the water cooler." She pointed to the cooler at the room's corner. "If you do so, no cake for you. You will feel... a tingling... there! Now, the tingling becomes burning. Heat upon heat upon heat."

"Isn't that hau spice-y food werks?" She noted the obvious.

"Uh, yeah. Now get it together and you'll have your cake," she said rapidly with a smile. She clicked a stop watch on.

Osaka looked sullenly at her feast and with a deep breath took her first spoon, beginning an epic journey.

_Thirty seconds later..._

-_Freedom Radio (STALKER: Clear Sky OST) plays_-

Yomi sat there with satisfaction. "Whoa, I didn't expect you to hold out that long." Osaka was sweating uncomfortably as she swallowed yet another spoonful of proverbial red hot lava.

"Eeeyyy Yommii, caaan aaahh haaaabbb ah glass o' water?" she begged through her burning mouth, slurring.

"Uh, no," she said coolly. "Not until you finish dinner."

"You can do it, Osaka!" Mini-Chiyo cheered. "I believe in you."

With that Osaka remained determined, chanting her ever famous litany,_ Get it together, get it together, get it together, get it together..._ Now her face turned red and steam was coming out of her ears. Osaka shook like a tea kettle from every bite of Yomi's red-hot value meal.

Yomi looked at the stopwatch again, smiling sadistically. "A minute and twenty seconds, you're doing great!" In Osaka's mind: _Get it together, get it together, get it together, get it together... _while being chased by a jalapeño pepper biker gang to the tune of Metal Gear's _Red Alert_. _Get it together, get it together, get it... TOGETHER! CHIYO!_

Yomi was shocked as Osaka painfully finished the last bite from her meal, her ears now whistling. "Three minutes already? You really did get it together. Wanna drink?" Osaka nodded faster than Noddy, redder than a tomato and the floor is flooded in eight inches from sweat. "Okay, pick a cooler." She displayed grape soda, ginger ale, a Perrier bottle, and wine.

"MAH MOUTH'S ON FIRE!" she screamed like a lamb with a Welshman as her mouth was spewing flame, flaming the table to ashes. She bolted for the drinks took the Perrier bottle.

"Wait! Don't drink that-!" Too late! Osaka glugged the whole thing in seconds. _**BURRRRRRRRRPPPP!**_ She let a stream of fire that plasma-fried the ceiling.

"Ah feel much better noooooow~," she relaxed. "Man, that Perrier has hit the spot."

Yomi looked rather uneasy. "Uh, that was the Water of Life, Osaka."

"Issit a fancy water brand frohm France?"

She winced. "No, that's a mystical elixir for expanding the mind." Osaka's eyes were widening. "It's actually a mix of vodka, soju, Pocari Sweat and Gatorade."

Ayumu let loose a wide smile. "No wondur ah feel sooo looooooooopy~..."

Before Osaka blacked out, Yukari spazzed in. "Anybody see my cocktail mixers?" She lost consciousness.

-_End theme- Jaunty Gumption by Kevin Macleod_-

* * *

A/N: Now I took inspiration from from David Lynch's _Dune_ movie. Underrated cult classic that divides fans of Frank Herbert's works.

Up next, will the sleeper be awakened?

_To be concluded - for real._


End file.
